IMPORTANT!!!

On 9/30/99, 5:13 AM, “angela.benson” <angela.benson@bankofamerica.com> wrote:</angela.benson@bankofamerica.com>

To: benga@msn.com
cc:
Subject: IMPORTANT!!!

Last night (Wednesday) Brad called  at 1:30 am. I had left a message for him to
call me, to talk as I’ve been told I need to continue to try to do. When I told
him I just wanted to talk, he said he had thought it was important – Our
marriage isn’t.

Oh, well, after a squabble and his phone disconnecting several times he finally
got a reliable phone, and gave me the respect to talk to me since he called so
late, and woke me up.

Talking together I got through to him. This is how I sum it up, in MY words.
(I’m not going to try to quote, but this is all based directly from what he
said.) And it’s not necessarily in order of statements, but I’ll try to
rearrange them as I go along…

That he was told that the music isn’t a problem.

That he was told that it’s normal {i.e. okay} for him to look at pornography.

That he doesn’t care what this means to his relationship to Jehovah.

The point is, he tried fighting all the way through the first part of the
conversation. (The phone disconnected, and I said a prayer, for in case he
would call back.) The he was reasonable. He started talking about our deal.

That’s when he told me, crying,

He is “scared”, if he comes back, he can’t “show my {his} face up here again”.
That his parents (said/think?) that he is weak because he can’t make a decision
and leave me, and can’t keep it {decision}

He said he would think about the deal and talk to his parents about it.

I told him that I have been told, and the Family book says, we shouldn’t have
our parents involved. I begged him (in a not so nagging sounding way) to NOT
discuss it with them. I told him that they would take him back in, even if he
came down here, and decided to leave again. I asked him to talk to you instead,
explaining that as an elder, the holy spirit flows through you when you counsel
someone.

Basically, from his actions, tears, and open heart – I now believe that he
want’s to try one more time. I hate that at the end of two weeks, he may miss
is family, or something and use that in his decision making. But I can’t
control that.

He asked for a couple of things “If I am going to/do come down there”. That
tell my parents to stay out of our lives. I told him that’s why he needed to do
the same in deciding to come or not, and that I would even move if that made
him feel better.  For me to apologize to his parents for “how I’ve treated
them”. I said that I would, and that hopefully they wouldn’t try to counsel, or
chastise me then, but despite anything that’s happened, my behavior is not
substantiated as a Christian. That I list out what I have to work on. I went
over things with him then that I have already thought about –
Being more sensitive to his feelings (in how the are highly sensitized with low
self esteem or ADD)
That the book orders that I had continued to marriage due, despite all that
happened, but I hadn’t (Never read material until he had left.)
That despite what he does that I have to continue to stay strong and work at my
problems
There were more that we talked about, but basically it seems like we have
identified enough common ground now. He is thinking about it, and wants to. But
what I’m scared of are those last two statements he told me, about showing his
face, and being weak. That’s allot to hold against me. With him believing that
(or being told that) he has to choose then between me, or his family.

So I ask, please talk to him. I think he needs reassurance that Jehovah’s holy
spirit, if we let it, can fix anything. That the music should be something he
should consider as maybe being a catalyst for how we’ve felt and fought. That
we are instructed to apply bible principles to any problem that we come across,
and it hasn’t been done yet in this case. That if he does have a health problem
like ADD, and what he’s been taking (St. John’s Wort & Magnesium B-6) has
worked, or not hurt, then he continue to try it, until it’s replaced by
something else. (He started taking it, and continued doing so for his mother,
it has helped tremendously.)

These are all principles and points that have counsel in the Family book. If
you feel comfortable please discuss them with him. He needs someone who he
doesn’t believe he’s disappointed.

Thank you,
Angela

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