The Rope

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

Ten were men and one was a woman.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who would go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving to men and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking all the men applauded.

Never underestimate the power of a woman.

 

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Walk away…

Well I just don’t know what to do. Choices are easy. Making them, and sticking to them are harder. I walk this world alone. I don’t think I have even been truly alone before.

People talk about inner strength, and finding “it” within yourself. Well I doubt those people have really been there. Having no one to turn to for support or strength, or encouragement. Not knowing where to find the motivation. Looking for just one person who can understand.
I have one who’ll listen, but can never be one with who I am. And I can’t find my way back to those who can.

I knew from the begining that there were differences to great to overcome. That old saying “sometimes love just isn’t enough”. I don’t think it’s a defect with love, I just think that we don’t allow ourselves to love where we are limited. We resist any limitations at all.

Funny thing about you and me- Where I find freedom, you see confinement.

So, here I am again. Back to the same place I’ve found myself so many times before… wondering how do I walk away?

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Music

Nebraska

Well I had a great time on my trip to the midwest. Forgot how relaxing that lifestyle is, and how up tight we are around here.

I feel a disconnect from the world as I knew it. I don’t know what my direction in life is. It seems that sometimes love just isn’t enough.

Last night I had some pretty serious thoughts. Sobering thoughts. I was thinking of disappearing, in one way or another. Leaving this life behind.

So anyway, here I am, another day of living. And that’s okay.

Song for the day:

Fallen Angels
There’s a candle burning in the world tonight
For another child who vanished out of sight
And a heart is broken, another prayer in vain
There’s a million tears that fill a sea of pain
Sometimes I stare out my window
My thoughts all drift into space
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a better place

Where do fallen angels go
I just don’t know

Where do fallen angels go
They just keep falling

Now the times in frightening
Can’t ignore the facts
There’s so many people
Just slippin’ through the cracks
So many ashes are scattered
So many rivers run dry
Sometimes your Heaven is Hell
and you don’t know why

Can you hear me
Somewhere out there there’s a shining light
And I got to be with you tonight
And with all we’re nowhere
We still pay the price
Yeah the Devil seems to get his way
In downtown paradise

Aerosmith

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Color Quiz #2

I was wondering this morning how much I’ve changed in the past couple of weeks. ColorQuiz never lies.

Your Existing Situation
Seeks to share a bond of understanding intimacy in an esthetic atmosphere of peace and tenderness.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have lead to uncertainty and a tense watchfulness. Insists on freedom of action and resents any form of control other than which is self-imposed. Unwilling to go without or to relinquish anything and demands security as a protection against any further setback or loss of position or prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to exaggerate her claims and to refuse reasonable compromises.

Your Restrained Characteristics
The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they
are. Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Unwilling to participate and wishes to avoid all forms of stimulation. Has had to put up with too much of a tiring or exhausting nature and now desires protection and noninvolvement.

Your Actual Problem
Fears that her independence will be threatened or severely restricted unless she protects herself from outside influence. Does not want to be bothered. Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She tries to escape from this by withdrawing and protecting herself with an attitude of cautious reserve. Moody and depressed.

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Music

Do What I Have To Do

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do …

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don’t know how
to let you go
I don’t know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I’m shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go

Sarah McLachlan

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Excited! Giddy! Have a plan!

I’m giddy. There’s so many things going on in the next couple of weeks. I’m “the lady in red” today, and I can’t help but think of the song “Lucky” – as in “Man, I feel lucky today!”

I’m meeting a friend for drinks tonight, and have to figure out what I’m doing after because suddenly theres so many things I need to do. I had wanted to go dancing – but I think I’m going to have to pass on that idea, and somehow that doesn’t even bother me!

Friday I’m leaving for Wilmington for the weekend. An escape from the world. I had thought about going alone, but I’m going with a girlfriend, and best part, we have a place to crash. I had wanted to take Danielle with me, but I have to leave her at a friends house while I’m in California, and she needs to get used to being there. Bummer. She’s never seen the ocean.

Anyway – I think I’m going to look up a single serving friend while I’m out there to see what he’s been up to. That might be weird.

Sunday get back from Wilmington, and on to starting a new week, but, oops – I’ll only have to deal with Monday and Tuesday!

Wednesday heading out West for Thanksgiving. That’ll be an interesting trip, hope to catch a football game on Turkey Day. We’ll see I guess.

Back for Tuesday – Friday for that week. Thursday will have been my fourth anniversary.

Friday will be my birthday. Saturday I leave for California for a week.

Ah, deep breath. I’ll have a break before Christmas and the true millenium. I’m going to see family, and then thought about disappearing from off the face of the earth until January. No one cares where I am, why not take advantage of it?!?

🙂

So, there life feels in order, and I know what stones I’m taking to cross the creek. Haven’t looked up yet to see what might be at the other side, but I’m not going to worry about it.

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Daydream

She stepped out of the car, and on to the corner. The light changed and she started across the street. She never saw the car. She never felt a thing.

Me in the third person.

Funny thing is, I used to regret those flashes of mortality. The effect that it would have on the ones I love. How could I ever think of such a thing?

But, now, why not? When you’re living day to day you don’t have regrets. You do what you need to.

But I’m still here. And I doubt I’ll ever get the chance to exit this life gracefully early. No, I’m here to have all the stuff happen to me, so that it doesn’t need to happen to someone else. Silly thing is, I prefer it that way. If someone else does get an easier life, because of the knocks I take in mine, then it’s worth it.

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Reminder

“At times we aren’t volatile. I feel we couldn’t be more one. At other times I feel we are so volatile and there’s nothing I can do. I’m not asking for you to have the energy to fight for us. I’m not fighting against us. I’m not walking away quickly when I say time. I’m hoping that things work out for the best while we take a breather and hopefully we becomes closer. You have a strong loving conviction and it adds to my love for you. There’s a strength that one reaches though where I need you to be and it hurts me when I hurt you because you aren’t. We’ve had this happen several times including this morning.

That’s just something though. Thats not close to enough to make me stop loving you. What scares me deeply? That’s a good question and I don’t really know the answer. Everything I’d probably list here you’d tell me that I don’t know you so I won’t go into it to the fullest extent. Whether we are compatible types scares me. You have a lot of answers to the world and have been a lot of places and know a lot of people and that’s not what I want for my other half. I’m not really looking for someone to show the world to me. I’m afraid you aren’t soft-spoken enough for me and know the enjoyment that comes from silence even at the busiest times. I’m afraid I’m not going to entertain you enough because at this point in time I’m enjoying the lathargic life style of relaxing at home, playing some games perhaps, getting some work done, or just watching TV. These are just two or three of my thoughts that go on that point of whether we’re the right type for one another. On the counter we have many things we share and have in common so do not think I think of the glass as being half empty. What scares me…well I’m scared we aren’t right for one another and that our love will grow stronger and when more things go wrong it will rip me in half.”

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Response

What things happen for a reason? Are we refering to my past three years? At this point in life I’m tired. I’m wondering things like why wasn’t I good enough to keep these things from happening. Where did I go so wrong to end up in the situations that I did? I’m tired, beaten, and worn. I desperately needed to talk. To talk about the violations I’ve recieved as a person and to my soul. But there isn’t anyone. I’m expected to walk this world alone. Figure it out for myself. All I figured out is that if I don’t rock the boat I don’t get hurt. As usual in these type of “matters” my requests to the proper people aren’t met with response. I’m tired of fighting for the rights that they’re supposed to uphold.

Don’t blame me, I’m just tired.

I know what I did wrong, and I know that I need a lot of work to get back to the way that I used to be. But without anyone around cheering me on, and then hearing that my own parents don’t even expect me to “make it” – well I’m tired.

I no longer look forward to Dave concerts in the summer. I don’t think about cruises in the Bahamas in the winter. I just live each day as I live and don’t really even think about the future.

What’s supposed to motivate me to do otherwise? I’m tired, and there isn’t anyone to hold my hand.

One last thing – why even bother? I’ve heard about how your friends treat you just because of what they think they know – when there wasn’t even anything to talk about.

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Different Views

I think that some things happen for a reason. SOME things. Others you just can’t tell what’s going to happen or not. I definity think that people change. Even if YOU don’t want them to it’s inevitable. Change always happens. So either you can stay the same or you can change with it. I prefer to change with it, What about you??

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Music

Has she lost her mind?

I don’t think that she has, I think that she just needs time to figure out who she is and wants to be.

Who do you want to be?
WHAT do you want?
Maybe that’s a better question.

Has she lost her mind?

I remember thinking
I’ll go on forever only knowing
I’ll see you again

But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other

And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
But we dance no longer.

I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When you’re not here that’s hung
Around my head

Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep up with each other

Or will we?

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Angie & Brad Benson

Just thoughts…

It’s eleven o’clock, and I’m just thinking. I just watched a movie which in the end showed what true friendship is about. (Brokedown Palace) I can’t help but think about my friends, or the one’s I had. Life is so different now. So far from what it used to be. According to the rules I grew up by, I don’t deserve my friends, and I’ll never talk to them again, according to the way I live.

My parents don’t believe I’ll ever “make it back”. I guess I’ve just proved them right. The life I used to know is just gone. I don’t remember it. I don’t remember how it feels. I’m crying now. I guess because I know what it feels like to admit to it.

Driving home the other night I thought about how alone in this world I am. I put the one person I feel a connection with on a plane, and realized that was the one person. Funny thing is I can’t say that I’m lonely necessarily. I’m just here. I’m just living. I do what I have to do, day by day. Live how life is there to be lived. I find enough to wake up to the next morning.

It’s weird – Not remembering. Not being able to touch the past. I can’t long for it. I can’t look back and reminisce. It’s just gone. If anyone out there is listening, don’t be hurt. It’s like my dad. I miss him so dearly, although I never knew him.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder what choices I could have made that would have so drastically altered my life. what if my dad had never died? What if I had never made the mistakes I did with my “first love”? What if I had never met or married Brad? What if I had never given up?

Maybe I don’t stop to cry because I refuse to believe the story I have to tell. How could I have ever had this happen, all the things in my life? What did I do to ever deserve this?

I was captured in a moment today when I heard “Still the One” on the radio. That was supposed to be Brad’s and my song, in a silly backwards way. What do I even say to that? What do I say to the past four years of my life? What do I say to sitting around and taking it, until my spirit and heart was crushed? Why did I ever believe I should be so strong? Why didn’t I give up in the right place?

I don’t wish for anything – I don’t have a vision in my head of the way I wish things were. I’m here, and I’m fine. I’m alive and that’s enough. I just have a story to tell that I wouldn’t even believe myself.

So how freely to I vent my soul to the world? To those who don’t know me, or the ones who know the most? Do I tell you all the stories, and hope that no one is listening? Do I find strength in coming to terms with the sadness some turn their eyes from?

So many do not feel it is their place to know what goes on inside a marriage. What went on is my only solace for where I am. With that here’s my words, a story from a night – July 29, 1999. Continue reading

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10/15/2000

We stand so close
You and I.
You hold my hand
and we take off to fly.

The wind catches our wings
and as we start to soar
One of us looks down
and begins to doubt.

Our eyes are masked
our hearts not so far behind.
Such a struggle to let go
with each other…

Too much to lose?

So we enjoy where we stand
so close to each other.
Once again you’ll take my hand
and together we’ll soar.

10.15.2000

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Everquest

Tonight I played Everquest for the first time. I’m Cailyn, a little brunette gnome rogue. I got to level three. (About an hour and 1/2 per level.) It was nice to get out of all the poliitical crap going on at work and just relax. With that thought… I’m going to bed. Good night to all, and to all a good night!

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Humility

This morning I learned a lesson. I’d rather not be right.

My race to dictionary.com wasn’t motivated by my need to prove that I was right, but my offense. I’m glad that I won’t long remember all the statements made.

“You’re so wrong.”

Funny thing is, if we were really grounded in our conversation and practicing the quality we were discussing – it wouldn’t even be a problem. But neither of us were.

So I hang my head, I wish I could go back, and be wrong. Not shut up. I’ll always fight for what I believe in – but I wish I could have lost this one. Maybe it’d be a better day for the way I would react. Instead…

In the end, yes, I’m still happy to have someone to challenge my mind so early in the morning. I just wish it had nothing to do with my heart.

hu·mil·i·ty

n.
The quality or condition of being humble.

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Entirely, Louis Macneice

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
And falling twigs of song,
And when we eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely
If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else’s arms
We should not fear the spears of spring nor the city’s
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of love entirely.
And if the world were black and white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be meremy
Bored but in brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

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Music

Easy life.

She has lost her mind.

Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your time with me
Would you say you’re feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind

See you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but who you’re with
That really matters
And hurts not much when you’re around
And if you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you’re missing all the rest

Well she ran up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind’s eye is

Seeing things from a
Better side than most can dream
On a clearer road I feel
Oh you could say she’s safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but what you think
That really matters
We’ll make the best of what’s around

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