It’s eleven o’clock, and I’m just thinking. I just watched a movie which in the end showed what true friendship is about. (Brokedown Palace) I can’t help but think about my friends, or the one’s I had. Life is so different now. So far from what it used to be. According to the rules I grew up by, I don’t deserve my friends, and I’ll never talk to them again, according to the way I live.
My parents don’t believe I’ll ever “make it back”. I guess I’ve just proved them right. The life I used to know is just gone. I don’t remember it. I don’t remember how it feels. I’m crying now. I guess because I know what it feels like to admit to it.
Driving home the other night I thought about how alone in this world I am. I put the one person I feel a connection with on a plane, and realized that was the one person. Funny thing is I can’t say that I’m lonely necessarily. I’m just here. I’m just living. I do what I have to do, day by day. Live how life is there to be lived. I find enough to wake up to the next morning.
It’s weird – Not remembering. Not being able to touch the past. I can’t long for it. I can’t look back and reminisce. It’s just gone. If anyone out there is listening, don’t be hurt. It’s like my dad. I miss him so dearly, although I never knew him.
Looking back, I can’t help but wonder what choices I could have made that would have so drastically altered my life. what if my dad had never died? What if I had never made the mistakes I did with my “first love”? What if I had never met or married Brad? What if I had never given up?
Maybe I don’t stop to cry because I refuse to believe the story I have to tell. How could I have ever had this happen, all the things in my life? What did I do to ever deserve this?
I was captured in a moment today when I heard “Still the One” on the radio. That was supposed to be Brad’s and my song, in a silly backwards way. What do I even say to that? What do I say to the past four years of my life? What do I say to sitting around and taking it, until my spirit and heart was crushed? Why did I ever believe I should be so strong? Why didn’t I give up in the right place?
I don’t wish for anything – I don’t have a vision in my head of the way I wish things were. I’m here, and I’m fine. I’m alive and that’s enough. I just have a story to tell that I wouldn’t even believe myself.
So how freely to I vent my soul to the world? To those who don’t know me, or the ones who know the most? Do I tell you all the stories, and hope that no one is listening? Do I find strength in coming to terms with the sadness some turn their eyes from?
So many do not feel it is their place to know what goes on inside a marriage. What went on is my only solace for where I am. With that here’s my words, a story from a night – July 29, 1999.
I sit here in the dark. I feel pretty much nothing inside. You are in a better place, but without me. I don’t know what to say or do. And I can’t leave because I don’t know how to live without you.
Death is not an option until Life is a reality. How can you die until you’ve lived?
I wonder if I will be here, and it’ll all be the same, many years from now.
I wonder if we’ll get a divorce and move on apart from each other.
I really can’t see a future can you?
I can’t see one day when we’ll have kids.
I can’t see one day when our brothers and sisters return.
I can’t see one day when the sun shines on us together.
I can’t see one day when you dance with me.
I can’t see one day when our children are born.
I can’t see one day when they grow up.
I can’t see one day when someone else’s life continues becomes more important than our own.
I can’t see one day when you smile lovingly down at my face.
I can’t see one day when my dad is alive.
I can’t see one day when we live.
I can’t see one day when we live forever.
I don’t want it to be like this. But there seems to be a problem bigger than us.
But, you can’t fix a something that isn’t broken.
And you don’t think that there’s anything broken.
How do you love someone who isn’t themselves?
How do you love someone who isn’t alive?
How do you love someone who doesn’t notice?
How do you love someone who doesn’t reply?
I want to believe in us, but there doesn’t seem much to believe in.
I want to believe in God, but no one seems to be out there.
I want to believe in love, but there is only hate.
I want to believe in you, but you don’t seem to care.
What ever happened to when we used to talk, together?
What ever happened to when we used to cry, together?
What ever happened to when we used to laugh, together?
What ever happened to when we used to work, together?
I try so hard to look forward.
But to what?
I try not to look back,
but you do.
More and more we gain, less and less we have.
Other people envy us.
They think we’re so great.
How they would love to have someone like us,
and to love and to take.
But if only they really knew,
if only they cared.
But no one bothers,
no one dares.
Who wants to admit that something is broken,
who wants to admit a three-cord bond that is torn?
Who wants to help when evil befalls us,
who wants to carry us thru the storm?
But up to us it is, to make it thru.
Up to us it is, to practice the things we should do.
But so far away the days seems to fade.
So far away when it all seemed so clear.
So here I sit, and there you are.
At the meeting, so close but so far.
What does it take to feel again?
What does it take to live again?
What does it take to avoid death at the end?
This letter, like all, it must end.
Do you fear death, my love, losing my life?
Do you fear the pain in my Mom’s eyes?
Do you fear answering to why I wasn’t happy?
Do you fear trying to pretend it hasn’t happened?
One day I will be gone.
One day you won’t notice.
One day I will be gone.
And no one will notice.
You’ve lost me so far.
They’ve all lost me so far.
They say when God seems far away
you should guess who moved.
I guess I’ve moved, and he doesn’t know my forwarding address.
A friend who doesn’t write,
but cares all the same?
Why doesn’t someone stop me,
from this life that I live?
Why doesn’t someone love me,
from this hate that I give?
When does it all end?
I picture my head, my hair a mess and bloody…
you accidentally pushed to hard and I hit it on the corner of the bed.
I picture my baby,
laying in the toilet.
You pushed too hard,
and hurt my stomach.
I think it’s better this way.
That I die so others may live.
Don’t worry I won’t kill myself,
I have someone else to do that for me.
Well I didn’t die, he didn’t kill me. Or maybe he just killed the spirit of who I used to be. The dreams I used to have. What I used to believe in, and where I was going.
So anyway, here I am. Living without the dream of making it back.
Do you still dream? Last night you met me in my sleep. A flicker of a memory. It’s funny, now that I look back and read your letter. Do you remember it?
Okay angie let’s see. First of all I think that the decision totally sucks although it has to be right, still, even though it’s right doesn’t make it anymore easier. Second of all my biggest fear in this whole thing is that your going to be so caught up in self-pity, loathing, denial, hatred, embarrassment, depressment or whatever, and all those other words that I can’t think of right now, and your going to stop going to the meetings, or just think that you can’t handle, Or just think that there’s no one there. Well if you ever start to feel like that even in the littlest degree, call
me and I’ll try to talk some sense in you and not say anything stupid in the meantime. Or another fear that I have is one that you already mention
and I know that you think about is that you going to become lonely or feel isolated, and (here’s my fear) that your going think that there’s no one
else in the truth and going to after someone in the world or at work or something and just dig yourself deeper. please, please, please, don’t do
that. I’ll marry you if want. So see that’s one person right there. And if there’s one then there has got to be a bunch more. Just don’t think
that going to the world is your only option. You have no idea how long and many times I prayed about you since you told me the first time that you
were going to be..you know..More than I’ve ever prayed for anything else.
And I’ve thought alot about this, and once your DFed then I really can’t communicate to you anymore, I mean I know that your not going to sabotage
my spirituality or anything that, but still I have to follow the society. But I will do this like I said before, if at anytime you need someone to
talk to or someone just to listen to you or someone to encourage you. You are more than welcome, actually I would love it if you called me or wrote
me an e-mail. Or just wrote me a message that said “call me”. I know Angela, that you can handle this. It’s not going to be long at all I
promise. It’s just a short period of time in the long run even though it’s going to probably seem like an eternity. Well right know I’m debating
whether or not to send this letter to you or wait till next thursday. I’m not sure if this is going to bum you out more or not. Well I guess I
will,I’ll just write you another one later.
always thinking of you,
I didn’t know that you wouldn’t use the word “love”. But that’s how you signed each of my letters.
A quiz… do you know these words?
Where you are that’s where I wanna be
And through your eyes, all the things I wanna see
And in the night, you are my dream
You’re everything to me
You’re the love of my life
And the breath in my prayers
Take my hand, lead me there
What I need is you here
Am I your black balloon?
And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight
And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When every thing’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I’ll spare you any more of the words from my heart though not from my mouth. The solace we find in music.