I have a friend who feels the need to tell me on occasion that I am not her best friend. Beyond the fact that I don’t really
feel the need to be made aware of this, it doesn’t bother me much. That’s just the way it is.
What confounded me this weekend is the realization that she expects me to continue to give the best to her. She didn’t get reserved seating, so she automatically expects that I’m going to take her. I would never expect that from a friend. It’s just mind boogling to me how someone could expect that. You tell me I’m not your best friend, but you expect me to treat you like one? I don’t think so.
Worst yet, it’s not about sharing an experience together, about attending the show with me specifically… it’s just about having a better seat.
“Turns out not where but who you’re with that really matters.” — Dave, Best of What’s Around
So I’ve honestly thought about giving her both reserved seating tickets. I’d just head out to the lawn to share the experience with my friends who didn’t have the chance to get a little closer look. Although my impulse is to give for the greater good, and perhaps prove my point a bit, I’m going to hold off. Dave has always been incrediably special concert for me, and who knows who I might want to share the experience with, and from a great vantage point.
So one more complaint… (I’m ranting here, because I don’t really feel like it’s worth bothering telling my friend how I feel) the Maktub show was awesome. I was a bit of an idiot and didn’t really think about the possible effects of three Long Island Ice Tea’s. This was my first time drinking one, and boy, are they powerful. Well, the complaint is more about the fact that I was having a merry ol’ time, but meanwhile my buddy kept bugging me about who I was talking to. At times I was chatting with Ash too much… “Making him think that there could be a second chance…” Then I was giving Joel too much attention, and not enough to Jared. There were several behavior-modifying comments along the way.
I was totally fed up. I had told her before, and again, that I’m not trying to date Jared, we’re not going out, we’re just friends. There was no reason for me to treat him any differently than I would before. If anything I ended up staying a bit further away because of her prodding. I don’t remember what the last straw was, but I do remember thinking “that’s it!” and going to the bathroom to escape for a moment. She followed me, and then my happy bubble was shattered. That’s when I turned into an idiot. Whenever I get frustrated or emotional I end up missing my family and friends. This was not the time to have that happen.
I ended up sitting against the wall for a second, and wondered what it would be like to have Jess around still. A few tears escaped, and then I walked back into the crowd with my friend close behind. I guess Ash was upset at me, although I really didn’t notice or understand at the time. (Remember, I was slightly less perceptive than normal.)
Leaving the show was a bit of a blur. Joel linked arms with me and was trying to be a comfort. I think he felt sorry for me missing my family. Later he told me that Ashley told him that I do this every time I drink. The fact that he walked with me after being informed as such was all the more surprising to me.
In the end, there is no excuse. I’m a tough girl, and I’ve got to get it together. But I wonder what I’m supposed to do when I have friends that end up making me feel like a lesser person, or some how never quite good enough.
It’s hard, in times like this, not to wish you could just go back to yesterday. The past may be gone but I look upon it so fondly. The day’s where I wasn’t so beaten, battered and bruised from life. When your friends were people you had built several Kingdom Hall’s with, and were people who shared your dreams. When relationships weren’t so hard. When it was easy to tell people that you love them. When it was easier to make everything okay. When I was me.
“I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won’t tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
“Oh, isn’t it strange
How we move our lives for another day?
Like skipping a beat
What if a great wave should wash us all away?
Just thinking out loud
Don’t mean to dwell on this dying thing
But look at my blood
It’s alive right now,
And deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate moving wine to tears
And drinking it deep
Then an evening spent dancing
It’s you and me…
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see a glow of something bright
Oh, there’s much more than we see here
Don’t burn the day away
Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life,
Is it not enough?
Staring down at the ground
Oh, then complain and pray for more from above,
You greedy little pig
Stop, just watch your world trickle away
Oh, it’s your problem now
It’ll all be dead and gone in a few short years
Just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope back in our minds
Much more than we could ever know
Oh, so don’t burn the day away
Don’t burn the day away
And don’t burn the day away…
Look, here are we
On this starry night, staring into space
And I must say
I feel as small as dust lying down here
What point could there be troubling?
Head down wondering what will become of me?
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
The time is short but that’s all right
Maybe I’ll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end some time
But don’t burn the day away
Don’t burn the day away…
Come sister, my brother
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet
I’m saying open up
And let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you’re dancing on the ground
Don’t think of when you’re gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
‘Cause we need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There’re bad times
But that’s okay
Just look for love in it.”