How to Kick an OKCupid Guy Off the Ladder in Two Dates or Less

Poor guy. I’d never share the story, if it wasn’t a piece of the over all whole. In this case, the names have been changed to protect the already not-so-innocent.

I didn’t write the original email, btw. A friend wrote it based on my rant and emailed it ‘on my behalf’…

Ladder Theory, explained by

Let me tell you a little story about the ladders—or alternately, how to kick a guy off the ladders in two dates or less.

I’m not sure what went wrong exactly. 😉

On 4 July 2011 22:26, Angela M. Baxley wrote:

well so here’s the thing. i put in jimmy to address this email and hilariously i am reminded that you’re michael, not jimmy, which is actually the basis of what i’m emailing about.

we got along great online, through email, and meeting… but there have been a few things that haven’t quite settled yet in my mind.

first, let me begin by stating that authenticity is extremely important to me.

as you know, i have a very hard time remembering names, usually only doing so when i see it written and form an association of face with name. therein lies my first difficulty… you unwittingly created for me a very strong association to jimmy p. long. but that’s not you. i have to shake my head and double back to get it right. <alert! error in processing>

when we met and you later disclosed your age, i shared my feelings about falsely representing your birthdate or age. in my life i’ve gravitated towards people 5-10 years older than I am, and this is particularly true when it comes to my association with men. as i mentioned when we met, to be thirty-four is young to me. your listing yourself as thirty-two leaves me with curiosities—my brain processes like so:

  • why would you go *younger*?
    • are you looking for younger women?
    • do you think that 34 is old?
    • do you not value age?
      • <alert! too many errors in processing. abort.>

your username is a combination of a name and a year which matches your fictitious birthday. it just feels like deceit. if that feels strong, i apologize; i was looking for a word that didn’t convey as much judgement as “lying”, as what you do in your life is your business.

from my perspective however, it’s been a bit hard to handle. your photos don’t look like you. i thought it was strange that you wouldn’t know what I would look like… you expressed how some people don’t look like their photos. maybe that’s true, i don’t know. i just found it interesting that you came from the expectation that i would be hard to identify, while my expectation was that it would be easy from your three photos.

all of this is just jarring to me. i met jimmy—no, michael. he’s 32—no! 34. 1979 isn’t your year, as it is mine. and while your photos are of an attractive man, and you are also an attractive man, it seemed that you were insecure about their representation of you. aptly so.

we talked about that second-date girl… perhaps she was looking more for a MGP77 and not a JimmyL1979. or maybe she too was confused by little details. michael, because you brought her up i’d like to offer unsolicited advice—you may take or leave it, i offer it only to be helpful:

  • consider changing your username to something that is more descriptive of you than someone else’s name.
  • remove any date that is misleading
  • correct your birthdate or omit it if you prefer, protecting your privacy does not equate to a lie when deceit is not involved.
  • don’t give out a fake email address that aligns to a fake name only to change it. giving out your email address feels like personal communication. if you aren’t ready for self-disclosure to that level, then by all means protect your privacy on OKC and keep communication there until you’re comfortable moving to a more authentic forum like a personal email address (except i don’t consider [somealias] your personal email, i suppose [someotheralias] is?)
  • if you prefer email for a technical reason, then do just as you did with your current username and email, just using something that feels like a nickname or adjective. when people see “spunkygidget”, they can’t say i didn’t warn them! 🙂
  • show off those blue eyes of yours… you really do look different than your photos. one is an east coast guy, and you looked comfortable california to me. for some reason i even paint you with blonde hair… i can’t really recall, and there aren’t any photos of you anywhere that show “you”, so well, i just don’t know.
  • put up photos of you in action, set your primary to a photo without sunglasses—there is research that suggests that women find eyes a key factor in their formulation of trust. (now that i think about it, i was a bit taken aback that your eyes were so blue. there are no blue eyes photos on your profile.)
  • lastly, if you’re proud of all those accomplishments you told me about—race car driving, your big case, your life experience (British and whatnot) then put it on your profile!

i also have had on my mind that truck driver. i wish i would have stopped.

in conclusion, i feel like this experience just shows a significant difference in our core values and what it is that we are seeking. above and beyond that i just can’t find any muster any desire to get to know you any better… i’m having a hard time keeping the truth straight in just the basic details.

if this is perhaps too much honesty, i sincerely apologize. please forgive me, or take a moment to consider being in my shoes.

On Jul 5, 2011, at 8:52 AM, JL wrote:

Thanks for your candor. We’ve been on 2 dates, it was pretty clear from date 2 that we weren’t a match, and you could have just said ‘hey this isn’t working’ and left it there. Not sure why you felt the need to assail my character and call me deceitful. If my profile is misleading vis a vis my ‘look’ – and really, they are photos of me, one of them a full on headshot, i’m not sure how more accurate i could have been- then I’ll go ahead and hire a photographer to get that ‘california vibe’, whatever the hell you mean by that.

Regarding the truck driver – really? I’m pretty damn good at ascertaining my usefulness in stressful situations and the effect of my actions in a scenario. It wasn’t a callous move, it was a calculated ‘no, other people are in a better position to help’. To say that me not stopping is somehow an indicator of a difference in core values is incredibly insulting, condescending and you are projecting unfairly. And, considering that you admit you were driving high during that event, don’t you think your sober passenger with a full set of eyes not on the road was in a better position to react?

On that point. Marijuana is a drug, a drug that lowers your reaction time, inhibits your spatial relationships and affects your judgement. Hey, that’s why you do it, right? I don’t care how much pot you smoke, or how ‘fine’ you feel, or how your clients prefer you high. Yet to admit that you showed up, on date one, high, and then proceeded to drive on the freeway at 80 miles an hour with me as a passenger without telling me that you were under the influence is incredibly reckless, disrespectful and arrogant. It made me absolutely sick to know you had willingly put me in a dangerous situation without my knowledge. Smoke at home, get fu¢ked up, drive by yourself, but don’t ask a complete stranger to ride with you oblivious to the fact that you are stoned. You’re 32 for fu¢k$ sake, that’s selfish college behaviour. You don’t have cancer, put down the bowl for a day.

I’m sorry that you couldn’t muster the interest to get to know me better, not sure why you would end an already condescending note with another insult like that, when absolutely nothing i did was insulting. Again, your unsolicited advice is noted, but that you felt the need to educate me is yet another indicator of your condescending arrogance that shined through during our time together.

Some unsolicited advice from my end. You’re cute and smart, but that’s only going to get you through the first date. Guys, as a general rule, roll their eyes when their date goes on and on (and on and on) about how unique their brain is, how much attention they get from other guys, how money ‘finds them’, how much of a big deal they are in their career and in the online world. Stop bragging and just be yourself, it reeks of low self-esteem.

If I do see you out and about, I will certainly be friendly,


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Angela Baxley <>
Date: Wed, Jul 6, 2011 at 8:24 AM
Subject: Re: confused
To: JL

So I actually met a guy who does just that. And because the same phenomenon appears in his life, he is helping me make something of it. I apologize. I’m creating something right now, which is why I’m so busy. You’re right, maybe its too intense for first date material. I was just excited to share with you.

I really love your response, and apparently we align more than the data I can collect shows, up til now.

I want to be very clear. I do not drive “high”. If you you doubt this, more validity may be added to my claim if you read my personal experience related to drunk driving. It’s on SpunkyGidget as Dunn: Drunk, Drove, Dead.

Also language is tricky. I am only high when I’m NOT altered. When I refer to being high it’s the anxiety—adrenaline or whatever it is—that seemingly shoots through my veins with venomous force.

You don’t know that I don’t have cancer. But if you’re interested in what I do have, thats published too.

I thrive with people like you around. I don’t know what went wrong. But whatever. I think you’re pretty awesome, but we’re not dating — whatever — now, on a non-sexual level, non-romantic, do you have time for me? Yes, I know I’m crazy, thats exactly what I’m working on.

Right now my work is so important to me. But some odd chain of events were put in motion that changed my life. You were apart of that. I would like to foster that even if it’s not romantic. I am trying to say I value you, but I get it if you are focused on your pursuit and don’t have time.

Meanwhile, don’t hire a photographer. I’d love to do a photoshoot for you. I honestly was bummed that I didn’t feel like I could tell authentically who you were. That stuff just tripped me up. It’s part of my being a right brained, cultural creative.

If you have time to hang out, like we were but platonic, then I’d love to get to know you and then I’d offer to help you edit your profile, if you wanted. I’ve been asked by several friends. I can send you URL if you’re interested. If you think I’m arrogant but are curious I can connect you with L??xie who does it for a living.

Meanwhile, I’m not really interested in dating. I told you the story of how you ended up to be the chosen one date, though maybe you thought it was a story or exaggeration. If we hang out again. I’ll show you.

You’re very interesting. Got time for a friend? I have time for you if so.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I’m just going to bed to work, and you were my first email. I apologize, it was a very long day and I go to court tomorrow. You however are a priority to me.


P.S. I think I can remember Palm. That is what I can call you because obviously I have to stop referring to you as Jimmy. I guess I was just pissed you made look like a fool in front if my friends, but if Micheal is as cool as Jimmy was then good news is my friends won’t care. They won’t know you as weirdo Jimmy. (I wrote that letter because I was told to. It wasn’t what I wanted to do, but I believed they were right. You deserve the information, and I am attracted to you as a human. I was a woman too but that stuff mucked that up for me.) Because they will meet you. My pal Palm. Just remember not to react if they talk about JimmyPLong (or Jimmy Pee Long or Jimmy Penis Long) because they won’t understand why you’re getting defensive. Because they won’t know its you. Might be fun actully, sort of the fake funeral concept.

Have to sleep. I have court at 3pm. Don’t know how long. Wanna meet just after? Or if for any reason you want to come along, lets meet for lunch or something. I just have to get up. I’ll check my email or phone ASAP when I wake.

Know this. I met someone else. But I am pursuing you as a friend. I value you. I want you in my life. It’s just not the way that we started. Strange my wish came true. I met Mark at BRC. I alo met my new roommate there. They both are fascinated by the stuff we talked hours about. I’ve had an AMAZING week since we talked (besides worrying wondering about the truck driver). I want to tell you about it!

Oh and the truck thing. Sorry I have to remember people from New York are defensive. Ask my roommate—I’m terrible with that response style. I wasn’t tell you about you. I was telling you how I felt about me. What I wish I did. I wish I would have stopped. I didn’t because you so clearly directed me not to persuading me with your reasoning. But that’s you and I’m different. But because I was on a date and you’re a boy and I didn’t want to take you hostage I listened. I am trained in emergency response and am often first on the scene. (btw all this stuff is published, so if you think I’m a blow hard, at least you can see it’s true.) 🙂

Night night and hoping for another email from you. I would offer lunch tomorrow regardless, but reality is I need to prep before going before judge and mediation.

Sent from my iPad


One thought on “How to Kick an OKCupid Guy Off the Ladder in Two Dates or Less

  1. Pingback: Melvin and Mom document July 10-27, 2011 ⋆ @Ang the @SpunkyGidget presents the Choose Your Own Adventure Diary

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.