Mom, I know that I’m scaring you. And I’m sorry for that.
I don’t know how to explain with words what I’m going through.
I can however share with you what I’m fascinated by, and perhaps you can judge whether or not I’m “okay”.
I’ve been studying the Bible for months now, and I’ve perservered despite the fear that what I would learn might mean that I would separated from my family. I miss you guys so much. You seem nearly as a conceptual thing to me as “daddy” is. I understand what that relationship is supposed to mean, but it’s not something I’ve experienced. Likewise, I don’t really know how to be a sister or to be a daughter, it seems so long ago that I was a part of a family. I’m not sure I ever knew how to interact like I belonged.
Here’s a night in the most recent nights of Angela:
I’m an experience designer, so know that it’s an “experience”. I’m giving you my recipe as it were. I could send you the “Notability” file for instance which recorded me and the background (music in this case) while I studied the Watchtower. You can go along as I highlight and respond, and can hear the music that I was listening to and how I interacted in my study with God.
So. First, it starts with Faith.
Pull up this URL, and on the top right of the page of the book you’ll see a sound icon. Click that and when it loads hit “play“. You have to advance to the next chapter yourself and hit play again, unless you have the phone app.
So I listened to Hebrews chapter 8-11. It’s the New Living Translation, so it sounds like a brother giving a talk… Only it’s the Bible. The only difference is that it’s modern language, it also seems to take the same biases in translation that the NWT does, preserving the interpretations or intent of the scriptures as we know them.
In any case, pull it up and listen. Just try it to see what you think—you’re helping me from a distance. For all I know, I’m off my rocker?!
In any case, when you’re done with that, you can read the poem I wrote (last night) and then watch the video I found on youtube which is the song I sang to you on the phone that night about three weeks ago. I had gone to see The Muppet Movie at the theatre (the old, original one) on that Sunday night, thus seeing the song and it left me with chills.
Here’s the clip from the movie first, so you can understand the scene. (You’ll love it! Btw, it was released the year I was born. Did Daddy see the movie?! I know we saw ET together.)
Now overlay Hebrews on top of it. We’re looking at those faithful who lived in the tents in the desert, awaiting the promised inheritance which they never received so that they may not be “made perfect without us”.
Is it any wonder it makes me cry? I know what its like to live so far from home, to feel like a hopeless wandered. I too long “to go back there” even though as he says, “I’ve never been there”. If you don’t quite yet know what I mean, it becomes so much more apparent, and not a dry eye in the house, when he explains that “there’s no word—yet—for old friends who just met”. Maybe you don’t understand my zeal—but then I don’t know if you understand how real I live knowing that any day now my dad is going to knock at my door, to rustle me out of bed—you sleepy head. Do you get it?! We’re asleep in death, and he’s alive! The last will be first—momma!—Its not so long ago that he died, and if you truly believe that millions now living will never die (because you believe 1914) then join me in being a sincere seeker of The Way, The Truth, The Life. It’s so real to me. So so so very real to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve got nothing else I live for but that faith.
Now listen to this version. It’s just some guy who recorded himself singing it playing his guitar. So sincere.
I find it so interesting the pauses and “stutter” in the music… it happens twice, and it’s in each version—as if it’s part of the song that was intended.
Don’t you just the love the whistling at the end?! Did you whistle along? 🙂 I had to! It was so much fun and so weird, all alone in my apartment and whistling away! I loved it.
I imagine it’s what it would feel like it people weren’t so mean, and more kind like I would be to others.
You know. It’s kind of like if you met this guy who was in a band with your dad, and it turns out that he has all these recordings. And your heart fills with near joy at the thought of hearing your dad’s voice. Do you even know what that would sound like? Would you recognize it? Would it be a stranger’s voice?
It’s kind of like imaging you might sing along with your dad. Only that guy doesn’t want to share.
So your dad’s voice stays with him, and you just wonder.
Anyway, so. I’m wondering what you think of Hebrews 8-11. I really get it. Really get it. But I feel like I understand it in a different way than you do. And it’s hard to get my head to fit into the “truth” then. As I understand it, even reading the New World Translation, Christ is our High Priest in heaven, in the real sanctuary or temple, and we don’t need some earthly representative, as he did away with that. After that, I continue and I continue to understand things that I think it so clearly says, but I’m not sure anyone else reads it—or feels it?!—as I do.
Is that because I’m different? Is this being “anointed”? Or is it because I’m crazy, or off balance in some way?
“A number of factors—including past religious beliefs or even mental or emotional imbalance—might cause some to assume mistakenly that they have the heavenly calling. We thus have no way of knowing the exact number of anointed ones on earth; nor do we need to know. The Governing Body does not keep a list of all partakers, for it does not maintain a global network of anointed ones.” — Watchtower
What’s going on mom?
Like I said, I know that I’m scaring you, but I really get the sense you don’t need to be scared. Please, just have faith instead.
I love you, and hope that you feel better, not worse, after reading this email. Either way, after you’re done listening/watching/whistling, email me back? (btw, the closing line is about “the anointed” kingdom of God, not sarcastic)
Here’s the poem:
Loving life so much
You’d not do anything to be there
The smoke gets in your eyes
Then you want to live on earth
So what’d you do to leave
The sea of man
Would you swim to heaven?
They say there was a tree
On which they’d feed
And you wanted to get back here
But gone with a song
That made you want to sing along
From that muppet who had blue hair
You heard of a mountain
You saw it by his very hand once
Daddy warned you this would happen
He’d give anything to be here
One day, if anything they say is true
Does that mean he’ll never remember
Those things that I do?
As they measure craziness
I measure life
To thine own self be true
Only works if you believe that he’s in you
The spirit is fine,
As long as its divine?
No it’s not by proof
It’s by faith
It’s not a question
It’s an answer
Its not asking
It’s about hope
It’s about humanity
Or spiritual hierarchy