9:35:37 PM Ang: I’ll let Cap/Josie and Gordon know. I just wanted to be with close friends given circumstances, so not attending any of the rest of the parties. Join me at my place if you guys feel like it. Your birthday present will hold until your mood improves.


9:35:43 PM Ang: Remember, you are loved.


9:39:06 PM Tara: what are the given circumstances?


9:39:17 PM Ang: its not important


9:39:20 PM Ang: focus on yourself


9:39:39 PM Ang: i guess at the very least, it’s thanksgiving. find what you’re thankful for


9:40:04 PM Ang: this between a canadian who’s already had hers, and a JW who doesn’t have family nor know the celebration


9:40:12 PM Ang: but all irony aside, the point remains


9:42:36 PM Tara: i appreciate that you are saving my feelings, but what are you talking about? something happened with your family?


9:42:54 PM Ang: no not really that big of a deal.


9:42:57 PM Ang: Gordon just has a new girl


9:43:08 PM Ang: i’ve been waiting around for you to get done being mad so we could talk


9:43:22 PM Ang: or at least celebrate you


9:43:26 PM Tara: im not mad at you


9:43:32 PM Tara: im just mad at life right now


9:43:33 PM Ang: well i wouldn’t be able to tell


9:43:39 PM Tara: but im getting over it


9:44:04 PM Tara: this must be a super new thing with Gordon


9:44:17 PM Ang: he met her last week on sunday


9:44:21 PM Ang: and i cried all weekend


9:44:39 PM Ang: i guess that’s as new as it gets really


9:44:45 PM Ang: it doesn’t matter


9:44:51 PM Tara: of course it does


9:45:03 PM Ang: no. it doesn’t. because he doesn’t want me to even call him.


9:45:08 PM Tara: regardless of your romantic involvment, you two are very close


9:45:19 PM Tara: oh, you must have had a falling out i dont know about


9:45:21 PM Ang: well i’ve spent the weekend in silence


9:45:30 PM Ang: brian so concerned he flew down last night to see me


9:45:44 PM Ang: i just wish everyone would TALK to each other


9:45:55 PM Ang: silence and going off into dark corners makes for very sad very disconnected people


9:46:01 PM Ang: this isn’t doing anyone any good


9:46:39 PM Ang: Gordon took his time off these past several weeks, so when i call on friday so happy to announce that “i’m ready”


9:46:45 PM Ang: i realize he’s done


9:46:59 PM Ang: i didn’t just tell trammel about you


9:47:08 PM Ang: it was obvious from the conversation, it’s natural course


9:47:15 PM Ang: because he was talking about removing people on twitter


9:47:17 PM Ang: and sean’s post


9:47:38 PM Ang: and ironically now that tantek has no friends he’s decided to bury the hatchet and say we can have brunch


9:47:49 PM Ang: everyone needs to stop being so fickle


9:47:50 PM Ang: and get with it


9:47:56 PM Ang: all we have is each other


9:48:09 PM Ang: or at least, that’s the case for some of us


9:48:27 PM Ang: and maybe that’s a selfish viewpoint, but it sure wouldn’t hurt the world to imagine that we’re all all we’ve got


9:48:47 PM Tara: for me at least, sometimes i just need space. so i can collect my thoughts.


9:48:56 PM Ang: well i don’t know you well enough.


9:49:06 PM Ang: so i’ve spent the weekend believing i have lost all of my best friends


9:49:13 PM Ang: and feeling stupid for calling them “best” friends


9:49:16 PM Ang: except for brian


9:49:23 PM Ang: brian i can because i loved him for three years


9:49:27 PM Ang: but gone nonetheless


9:49:35 PM Ang: so i guess i’m hurt


9:49:47 PM Ang: don’t just drop off the planet like that


9:49:50 PM Ang: tell me what you need better


9:50:02 PM Ang: i made Gordon mad because i didn’t know how to walk away


9:50:11 PM Ang: and i was terrified of contacting you


9:50:13 PM Ang: but i needed someone


9:50:25 PM Ang: fuck it – life really sucks sometimes


9:50:30 PM Ang: and i’m not the kind of person to get all emotional


9:50:35 PM Ang: nor to ask for help


9:50:42 PM Ang: but it killed me


9:50:45 PM Ang: it’s your birthday kid


9:50:53 PM Ang: and all i could feel is your pain


9:50:56 PM Ang: and your silence


9:51:00 PM Ang: and Gordon’s anger


9:51:05 PM Ang: and my heart break


9:52:46 PM Tara: well i think it probably just came down to bad timing in so many ways. I have been very upset about a lot of things lately and they just got to the boiling point and I needed a break from the world. i wasn’t unavailable, im just not on twitter. im sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me….but I did respond to all your texts and such. most people have been contacting me by IM and text and email and Facebook.


9:53:15 PM Ang: you specifically sent me a text saying you were going off the grid for the weekend


9:53:25 PM Ang: when i recieved your decline for girls night i assume the weekend was extended


9:53:29 PM Tara: ya, for the weekend


9:53:31 PM Tara: no no


9:53:40 PM Tara: eva invited me and sean to dinner for my bday


9:53:54 PM Ang: after being so very harshly rebuked by the person that means the most in the world to me (and apparently doesn’t know/believe that) i wasn’t going to take a chance on pissing you off


9:54:00 PM Tara: there isn’t a comments thing when you decline an invite.


9:54:13 PM Ang: see this is why people need to talk


9:54:40 PM Ang: i’m not upset that you declined but rather had nothing else to go by as a sign of whether or not the tara whiteflag had been raised


9:54:57 PM Tara: sorry. i should have sent you a note to tell you why i couldn’t make it


9:55:21 PM Ang: no. don’t be sorry. just know that i’ve been so concerned. and hopeful that i didn’t make your “not true friends” list


9:55:32 PM Tara: ha. no


9:55:33 PM Ang: you and Gordon are all that i’ve built here


9:55:39 PM Ang: and half of that is gone


9:56:01 PM Ang: actually you both decided you wanted time and space on friday


9:56:06 PM Tara: Gordon isn’t gone, he is just figuring stuff out. you guys will have to figure out how you are going to be going forward if you are both dating others


9:56:17 PM Ang: he said he doesn’t want to date multiple people


9:56:20 PM Ang: he’s dating “her”


9:56:33 PM Ang: i pretty much went psycho


9:56:37 PM Ang: as evidenced by my blog


9:56:46 PM Ang: and all the IM’s, emails and DM’s i sent him privately


9:57:00 PM Ang: and showing up at 3am to proclaim i believed in love and would fight for him


9:57:13 PM Ang: he told me in no uncertain terms that it was over


9:57:21 PM Ang: he didn’t have feelings for me anymore


9:58:00 PM Ang: he fell for her on sunday, fucked me on wednesday (and left), and i realized that there was someone else on friday while nursing him to health


9:58:37 PM Ang: ironic. because i had finally by thursday cleared all the dating/sex karma away


9:58:41 PM Ang: i’m not sleeping with anyone


9:58:45 PM Ang: and even brian seems to get that


9:59:15 PM Tara: perhaps thats a good thing


9:59:20 PM Ang: what is?


9:59:22 PM Tara: start fresh


9:59:28 PM Tara: have a good break from boys and sex


9:59:37 PM Tara: go to italy


9:59:39 PM Ang: i am in love with Gordon


9:59:39 PM Tara: have fun


9:59:42 PM Tara: oh


9:59:43 PM Ang: there is no starting fresh


9:59:47 PM Tara: oh i see


9:59:58 PM Ang: i have been


10:00:03 PM Ang: i thought you knew this


10:00:15 PM Ang: i couldn’t dishonor him by being with him while i was trying to figure out fidelity


10:00:24 PM Tara: well i thought you were figuring it out still


10:00:25 PM Ang: being == dating him publically


10:00:28 PM Ang: so did i


10:00:34 PM Ang: see what not talking gets you?


10:00:40 PM Ang: i respect his space and he shuts me off


10:01:06 PM Ang: i was so excited to see him wednesday at Mighty


10:01:18 PM Ang: but i tried to stay “cool” because he hadn’t given me the “go ahead” sign


10:01:31 PM Ang: i don’t know


10:01:34 PM Ang: it doesn’t matter


10:01:42 PM Ang: i’m sorry


10:01:46 PM Ang: i didn’t mean to dump this on you


10:02:00 PM Ang: i guess i’m just spilling because you’re the only one who comes close to knowing how i feel


10:02:12 PM Ang: and even you don’t because i masked it all behind a brave face


10:02:16 PM Ang: casual


10:02:17 PM Ang: whatever


10:02:25 PM Ang: fear masked


10:02:29 PM Ang: i wasn’t good enough


10:02:30 PM Ang: now i am


10:02:35 PM Ang: but he doesn’t want me anymore


10:02:51 PM Ang: i can’t believe i missed the whole point


10:02:55 PM Ang: he loved me just as i was


10:03:45 PM Tara: Well, I know that you care for him deeply. That being said, there were aspects to Gordon that you were struggling with. Did you decide that they could be overlooked?


10:04:41 PM Ang: it took me a bit to grow used to loving Gordon, because he stood in stark contrast to what i’ve known, to what i most recently loved.


10:04:50 PM Ang: i feared that contrast and feared that it wasn’t “true”


10:04:56 PM Ang: that i was in love with an idea


10:05:02 PM Ang: or with how he treated me, but not him


10:05:13 PM Ang: i used excuses to keep a distance from him


10:05:21 PM Ang: things to help me rationalize why we shouldn’t be


10:05:32 PM Tara: i see


10:05:36 PM Ang: all cycling around that he is an amazing and thoughtful and kind person


10:05:40 PM Ang: who didn’t deserve a mess


10:05:49 PM Ang: i carried with me the baggage of brian


10:05:59 PM Ang: him constantly feeling as though i had or would cheat on him


10:06:02 PM Ang: i never did


10:06:04 PM Ang: i never would


10:06:07 PM Ang: but i started to believe that


10:06:25 PM Ang: that’s why when i met Gordon, and i actually knew at that time that i would be a free woman soon


10:06:33 PM Ang: (and might have already been i need to check the date)


10:06:37 PM Ang: i didn’t pursue


10:06:42 PM Ang: i didn’t start anything


10:06:49 PM Ang: i did give him my number, but i told him that i had a boyfriend


10:07:07 PM Ang: then in between i forgot about that guy with the amazing smile, and sparkly blue eyes


10:07:28 PM Ang: when i got here, and he started to pursue i was filled with so much fear


10:07:40 PM Ang: in seattle i had started my “get it out of my system” quest


10:07:49 PM Ang: to prove that sex doesn’t matter if it isn’t tied to love


10:07:53 PM Ang: and i’ve learned so much


10:08:00 PM Ang: and i proved to myself, without a doubt


10:08:07 PM Ang: that i only want to be with one person


10:08:12 PM Ang: that’s what i’ve always believed


10:08:24 PM Ang: but now i know


10:08:31 PM Ang: because i always wanted Gordon


10:08:37 PM Ang: i wouldn’t know this if it weren’t for him


10:08:52 PM Ang: its ironic that how we’ve come to be is the only course that seems to have cleared up that thought


10:09:02 PM Ang: but it’s also the course that’s caused me to lose him


10:09:10 PM Ang: what i’ve told him is different than what you’ve heard


10:09:17 PM Ang: because i’m terrified of being the fool


10:09:25 PM Ang: of


10:09:29 PM Ang: “falling in love too fast”


10:09:34 PM Ang: but then you guys happened


10:09:42 PM Ang: but he’d already stepped away from me


10:09:42 PM Tara: you started feeling this way before he told you that he is seeing someone?


10:09:50 PM Ang: it’s been this way for quite a while


10:09:58 PM Ang: the only point is that i was still trying to clean up my mess


10:10:02 PM Ang: i’ve talked to every boy


10:10:08 PM Ang: spent time alone


10:10:13 PM Ang: thought about what i really want


10:10:24 PM Ang: i respected a “fresh start” because that’s what i really wanted too


10:10:30 PM Ang: i don’t know how he never viewed me as whore


10:10:41 PM Ang: but i don’t want the father of my children to think of their mother that way


10:10:45 PM Ang: you know?


10:10:48 PM Ang: i wanted to be good enough


10:10:57 PM Ang: i wanted to be “pure”


10:11:31 PM Ang: Gordon and i talked about portions of this, but i didn’t really figure it out clearly until after this night that the two of us layed on his floor and i had a crazy reaction


10:11:39 PM Ang: and seeing stephen helped


10:11:47 PM Ang: and i needed to have the end with brian


10:11:52 PM Ang: the end being brian really getting it


10:11:58 PM Ang: which i don’t think he did until last night


10:12:12 PM Ang: last night he hugged me because my heart was broken for someone else


10:12:19 PM Ang: i told him all of this stuff


10:12:27 PM Ang: about how much i carried with me from our relationship


10:12:30 PM Ang: and how it’s led me here


10:12:45 PM Tara: wow


10:12:51 PM Ang: i feel like i failed though


10:12:54 PM Tara: that is quite the spiritual journey


10:12:57 PM Ang: Gordon waited so long


10:13:04 PM Ang: i had no idea he wouldn’t make the last week


10:13:11 PM Ang: i thought we had an understanding


10:13:22 PM Ang: that after brian came then i would be ready


10:13:35 PM Ang: i felt like i owed brian a weekend to really understand


10:13:44 PM Ang: respect for the length of our relationship


10:14:00 PM Ang: i didn’t want to lose our friendship because he wouldn’t get it all the way from seattle


10:14:05 PM Ang: and never see him again because of his pride


10:14:09 PM Ang: he was such a dick


10:14:13 PM Ang: and i took a week to recover


10:14:19 PM Ang: but now even he’s good


10:14:23 PM Ang: but it’s all too late


10:14:34 PM Ang: what’s worse is that i have no plans


10:14:46 PM Ang: i literally made no plans for anything because i was going to be with Gordon


10:15:09 PM Ang: i’m here for thanksgiving because he wanted us to stay in town for Tramsgiving


10:15:25 PM Ang: and Tram is doing the off the grid thing i imagine – no Tramsgiving


10:15:34 PM Ang: we were supposed to be in NC


10:15:37 PM Ang: him meeting my sister


10:15:43 PM Ang: and my nieces


10:15:46 PM Ang: which kills me


10:15:49 PM Ang: because he wants kids


10:15:56 PM Ang: and i wanted him to see my family


10:16:07 PM Ang: the other night i even told him about our children


10:16:10 PM Ang: they are in rosetta stone


10:16:17 PM Ang: two blonde kids


10:16:20 PM Ang: a boy and a girl


10:16:23 PM Ang: i know i sound crazy


10:16:35 PM Ang: but that was me


10:16:39 PM Ang: and now i’m so lost


10:16:44 PM Ang: i don’t even know how to understand all this


10:16:56 PM Ang: i told you about asking him to move in, didn’t i?


10:17:01 PM Tara: no


10:17:03 PM Ang: i did


10:17:06 PM Ang: several weeks ago


10:17:13 PM Tara: oh wow


10:17:19 PM Tara: what did he say?


10:17:24 PM Ang: he was shocked


10:17:28 PM Ang: i didn’t go about it the best way


10:17:32 PM Ang: i was way too practical


10:17:33 PM Ang: again me


10:17:35 PM Ang: you know


10:17:45 PM Ang: easier to reason out why it’s a good idea


10:17:48 PM Ang: finanically and stuff


10:17:57 PM Ang: than to be able to grapple with the big hugeness of the step


10:18:01 PM Ang: i’ve never lived with anyone


10:18:07 PM Ang: i’ve dated several people for 3+ years


10:18:10 PM Ang: and never even considered it


10:18:18 PM Ang: but i love being next to him


10:18:46 PM Ang: we had some tough times in the past couple months while we essentially lived together


10:18:52 PM Ang: but nothing that we couldn’t/didn’t learn from


10:18:56 PM Ang: or at least i know the mistake


10:18:57 PM Ang: s


10:19:06 PM Ang: i need to have a car so i can get things done on the weekend


10:19:10 PM Ang: while he likes to do nothing on the weekend


10:19:29 PM Ang: and he loves to watch his “violence” while i don’t really like seeing it


10:19:49 PM Ang: and because i didn’t have the car usually i couldn’t get away as much


10:19:57 PM Ang: so we spent a bit more time together than we should have


10:20:14 PM Ang: but still, i now know i could be stuck on an island with him the rest of my life and not eat him out of annoyance


10:20:22 PM Ang: 🙂


10:20:25 PM Ang: that was a joke


10:20:33 PM Tara: haha


10:20:33 PM Ang: i’m feeling better


10:20:37 PM Ang: some what


10:20:43 PM Ang: the hardest part is that i asked him one question


10:20:48 PM Ang: i mean i asked him a million


10:20:53 PM Ang: but i asked only one that really mattered


10:21:09 PM Ang: i asked him if he knew that i was going to wrap him in my love on (this past) friday


10:21:11 PM Ang: he said no


10:21:31 PM Ang: i had the whole weekend planned, daydream style in my head


10:21:50 PM Ang: we don’t make big concrete plans, but the general idea is a common one that we’ve had for all these weekends together


10:21:56 PM Ang: movie and popcorn on the couch


10:22:02 PM Ang: him and homework, me and server migration


10:22:14 PM Ang: making love on the couch, the chair and finally making it up to the bed


10:22:16 PM Ang: again another routine


10:22:21 PM Ang: and how i’ve missed that!!!!!!


10:22:32 PM Ang: and sunday i’d go do my thing, and he’d veg


10:22:38 PM Ang: and then i’d come back and whatever


10:22:54 PM Ang: and thanksgiving – such a wonderful coming out party


10:22:58 PM Ang: finally to be the girl on his arm


10:23:12 PM Ang: to be able to look at him and not have to mask the adoration in my eyes


10:23:27 PM Ang: to be able to snuggle up when the other couples got close


10:23:42 PM Ang: my birthday – i wanted just one present – him. to celebrate us.


10:23:48 PM Tara: that would have been nice to see


10:23:57 PM Ang: december 6th would be 6 months from when this started


10:24:03 PM Tara: he just said flat out no?


10:24:07 PM Ang: yup


10:24:15 PM Ang: he wouldn’t even open up his heart to me


10:24:19 PM Ang: he held so stiff


10:24:26 PM Ang: his eyes were cold


10:24:33 PM Ang: he resisted me with everything he had


10:24:41 PM Ang: finally at almost 5am he relented


10:24:46 PM Ang: the softness returned


10:24:51 PM Ang: but i think it was more pity than anything


10:25:00 PM Ang: he’s turned his heart cold to me


10:25:39 PM Ang: i think that’s pretty much all there is to tell


10:25:47 PM Ang: except that i was also ready to ask about going to christmas with him


10:25:56 PM Ang: he had taken the invitiation back a long time ago


10:26:04 PM Ang: (i was horrified – to think he’d bring the whore home?!)


10:26:09 PM Ang: but i was going to ask


10:26:29 PM Ang: and if he wanted to be home with family and stuff alone, then i was going to go home to heather i think


10:26:50 PM Ang: (somewhere nuetral, “home” is hard since my mom and all)


10:27:04 PM Ang: but he was only going to be gone a short time anyway


10:27:11 PM Ang: and to think! to celebrate new years!


10:27:25 PM Ang: i also had wanted him to go home with me for tday


10:27:32 PM Ang: but he kept wanting to stay here for tramsgiving


10:27:38 PM Ang: and i didn’t want to take that away from him


10:27:42 PM Ang: i figured there was plenty of time


10:27:50 PM Ang: the worst has been i’ve avoided my sister


10:27:56 PM Ang: she and mackenzie keep asking about Gordon


10:28:12 PM Ang: (mackenzie is my neice who he would talk with on skype while i was in NC)


10:28:49 PM Ang: ok


10:28:51 PM Ang: well i think i’m done


10:28:54 PM Ang: that’s all there is to tell


10:29:00 PM Ang: my brain is now empty


10:29:02 PM Tara: wait


10:29:05 PM Tara: who is the girl?


10:29:08 PM Ang: i have no idea


10:29:13 PM Ang: but [redacted] thinks it’s [redacted]


10:29:21 PM Ang: because he said that it “knew” on sunday


10:29:24 PM Ang: he hung out with a girl


10:29:26 PM Tara: what?


10:29:29 PM Ang: and she was so easy to hang out with


10:29:29 PM Tara: [redacted]


10:29:30 PM Ang: yeah


10:29:31 PM Ang: i know


10:29:32 PM Tara: what?


10:29:35 PM Tara: she is with [redacted]


10:29:44 PM Ang: but sunday was the night that [redacted] walked with Gordon from [redacted’s] place to Gordons


10:29:54 PM Ang: and they hung out and watched tv and ate dinner


10:30:00 PM Ang: which is exactly what Gordon said


10:30:03 PM Ang: he just didn’t say who


10:30:09 PM Ang: and “she” is on the east coast


10:30:18 PM Ang: and only has three days off for christmas


10:30:24 PM Tara: that seems crazy


10:30:24 PM Ang: because i asked if he invited her to xmas


10:30:28 PM Ang: it is crazy


10:30:30 PM Tara: [redacted] said he has been chasing her for a year


10:30:39 PM Tara: and was so excited to be dating her


10:30:40 PM Ang: but knowing that his girl is unlikely doesn’t make me feel better


10:30:42 PM Tara: he was gushing about her


10:30:46 PM Ang: it’s not about how he feels about her


10:30:50 PM Ang: it’s about how he feels about me


10:30:52 PM Ang: that he gave up


10:30:56 PM Ang: and didn’t give a shit


10:31:01 PM Ang: yeah, [redacted] doesn’t know


10:31:02 PM Tara: of course he cares


10:31:03 PM Ang: if it is her


10:31:08 PM Ang: and [redacted] is a player


10:31:12 PM Ang: according to [redacted]


10:31:21 PM Ang: and would have no interest in Gordon


10:31:25 PM Ang: besides “liking” him


10:31:32 PM Ang: a personality like yours and mine


10:31:40 PM Ang: where people think you like them


10:31:44 PM Ang: but you’re just being you


10:31:53 PM Ang: i don’t hold out hope it’s her


10:31:59 PM Tara: but here’s the thing, Gordon and you went thru ups and downs. and he waited for you and adores you. he can’t just turn that off. no one can


10:32:00 PM Ang: because i don’t want to even get wrapped up in that


10:32:27 PM Tara: so maybe he sees somethign else to pay attention to b/c he just needed a break


10:32:41 PM Tara: and maybe it was hard on him when Brian was here.


10:32:47 PM Tara: i mean Brian did stay at your place


10:32:57 PM Tara: and i have no idea about any of this…just guessing. i never talked to him about it


10:33:23 PM Tara: sean even said that it must have been awkward for Gordon to be at your party and see Brian’s stuff all in your room


10:33:40 PM Tara: im not saying this to make you feel bad, just trying to understand where Gordon is at


10:33:52 PM Tara: he’s probably hurt. maybe doesn’t totally trust that you really want just him


10:34:02 PM Ang: i really didn’t realize how people would view that until several people asked (separately) where brian was staying


10:34:10 PM Ang: yeah, but i’ve fucked up big


10:34:25 PM Ang: he said that all of this has just made him want to run essentially


10:34:29 PM Ang: that i wasn’t helping


10:34:38 PM Ang: he was so cold


10:34:42 PM Ang: not cold like other people


10:34:45 PM Ang: but cold for him


10:35:05 PM Tara: i dont know him well enough to tell you what to do about this


10:35:11 PM Ang: please don’t take this the wrong way, but i even threatened to rape him


10:35:15 PM Tara: i dont know if you should give him space, or keep reminding him how you feel


10:35:26 PM Ang: and he said he would fight me


10:35:32 PM Ang: and i said i would never do that to someone


10:35:44 PM Ang: i left my keys on the stairs


10:35:52 PM Ang: because i knew i couldn’t be trusted to stay away


10:35:56 PM Ang: i have these note cards


10:36:02 PM Ang: sticky pad with designs on each page


10:36:06 PM Ang: think hallmark cutiesy


10:36:15 PM Ang: and i thought of putting them on his door


10:36:20 PM Ang: one next to another


10:36:23 PM Ang: but upside down


10:36:29 PM Ang: just to be funny/symbolic


10:36:37 PM Ang: then i thought he’d think i was crazy


10:36:45 PM Ang: i had been busy dreaming up “new” things for us


10:36:53 PM Ang: because i have “used” so many experiences with other people


10:37:01 PM Ang: i guess that’s sort of off subject


10:37:06 PM Ang: but just more of how i’d been planning


10:37:14 PM Ang: i couldn’t wait


10:37:25 PM Ang: and it didn’t really hit me until after the talk with aj


10:37:34 PM Ang: when i was free from every guy and all expectations


10:38:00 PM Ang: and while i thought i totally knew how i felt this weekend


10:38:16 PM Ang: it wasn’t until waking up next to brian and wanting him (Gordon) so bad


10:38:28 PM Ang: realizing that he’d completely erradicated all feeling for brian


10:38:47 PM Ang: it was so powerful


10:38:52 PM Ang: and brian knew all of this too


10:39:05 PM Ang: i even had it out with the guy that hurt Gordon the most


10:39:10 PM Tara: well at least you know you are over Brian


10:39:10 PM Ang: it’s on my blog what happened there


10:39:14 PM Tara: ok ill read it


10:39:14 PM Ang: i knew before


10:39:20 PM Ang: i just had to do it gracefully


10:39:24 PM Tara: i see


10:39:32 PM Tara: so what are you going to do?


10:39:35 PM Ang: wait


10:39:56 PM Ang: for the past few days it really sucked because Gordon came immediately on wednesday (when he entered)


10:40:01 PM Ang: and it left me with a huge whole


10:40:05 PM Ang: wanting, you know


10:40:11 PM Ang: and now that that’s subsided


10:40:14 PM Ang: i can wait


10:40:23 PM Ang: but that fucked with my head so much


10:40:28 PM Ang: hence the rape comment


10:40:29 PM Ang: i think


10:40:30 PM Ang: i don’t know


10:40:38 PM Ang: i feel bad about that


10:41:05 PM Ang: i guess i just felt that he’d let me in to his heart, that i could break through his wall if he’d lose those defenses


10:41:13 PM Ang: my sadness moment


10:41:19 PM Ang: to try to use sex to get the guy


10:41:34 PM Ang: i’m so embarrassed


10:41:39 PM Ang: please don’t tell anyone that


10:41:46 PM Ang: but i feel so bad so much i’ve kept from you


10:41:53 PM Ang: but i don’t know how to tell the truth


10:42:07 PM Ang: the truth, in as much as the underlying honesty of feelings


10:42:12 PM Ang: so much of it i’m sorting out as i go


10:42:21 PM Ang: i can figure out other people so easy


10:42:27 PM Ang: but i take longer with myself


10:42:33 PM Ang: i don’t mean to have mislead you along the way


10:42:38 PM Ang: about how i feel about him


10:42:51 PM Ang: i was honestly mad when you suggested (we were walking one day) that i leave him alone


10:43:04 PM Ang: he was when we were talking about the changes i was watching him make and how i liked all of them


10:43:22 PM Ang: i’m sorry, i must be tiring you


10:43:40 PM Ang: please, be honored that i’ve held all of this for you


10:43:48 PM Ang: you’ve really become a friend for me


10:44:01 PM Ang: i’m not sure i know how to really show that stuff


10:44:17 PM Ang: because my friends were all willing to drop me as soon as I was no longer a JW


10:44:26 PM Ang: and its taken alot to redefine what it means


10:45:36 PM Tara: well, i understand that. im trying to figure out the whole friend thing too. its been very hard for me but i think im figuring it out


10:46:07 PM Tara: like i said. i was never mad at you. it was just timing. even if the trammell thing didn’t happen, i still would have taken a break


10:46:20 PM Tara: but i should have said to you that despite my off the grid status, i am still available if you need me


10:46:28 PM Tara: friends needing me trumps being off the grid


10:46:37 PM Ang: i think that it’s all okay


10:46:44 PM Ang: i might have hidden all of what i felt


10:46:50 PM Ang: if you’d have been available


10:46:56 PM Ang: done the “fuck it” kind of thing


10:47:03 PM Ang: i’ve never cried so much before


10:47:11 PM Ang: i cried all day friday, and through saturday


10:47:22 PM Ang: i’m not done, but it’s just sporadic


10:47:31 PM Ang: like when i got home from shopping


10:47:39 PM Ang: shopping i realized i don’t have him to buy for


10:47:45 PM Ang: it’s just a shock


10:47:52 PM Ang: i thought we were us still


10:47:59 PM Ang: and we were just taking time so we could start fresh


10:48:02 PM Ang: and there was a moment


10:48:09 PM Ang: he asked me to get togetehr


10:48:35 PM Ang: i thought we were going to have a “serious” conversation


10:48:40 PM Ang: and i asked him to do it that night


10:48:46 PM Ang: (so i wouldn’t die waiting)


10:48:52 PM Ang: and he met me, we went to Little Star


10:48:57 PM Ang: I didn’t realize it was a date


10:49:11 PM Ang: he made a comment about my not having my period “boding well” for his getting laid


10:49:16 PM Ang: and i realized i was hurt


10:49:24 PM Ang: because thats a reference to sex


10:49:26 PM Ang: not making love


10:49:39 PM Ang: and then he mentioned or clarified about the date somewhere in conversation


10:49:48 PM Ang: and then i realized how horrible and awkard a date it was


10:49:56 PM Ang: because i was waiting for the shoe to drop


10:50:02 PM Ang: and he was evaluating what it’s like to date me


10:50:05 PM Ang: i failed that date


10:50:13 PM Ang: we went back to my house and i was morose


10:50:18 PM Ang: it really did feel dead


10:50:19 PM Ang: different


10:50:23 PM Ang: his lips were lifeless


10:50:26 PM Ang: and parched


10:50:37 PM Ang: we stared at each other heads side-by-side on the couch


10:50:41 PM Ang: i was dying inside


10:50:45 PM Ang: but told myself that it was good


10:50:51 PM Ang: that we really could start fresh then


10:50:55 PM Ang: and i waited


10:51:07 PM Ang: i waited for him to call, for us to have a real date


10:51:38 PM Ang: and more than anything i figured he was waiting because the timeline was supposed to go AFTER the housewarming weekend when i made sure brian had “closure”


10:51:53 PM Tara: i see


10:52:04 PM Ang: i don’t remember what the point wa


10:52:06 PM Ang: was


10:52:34 PM Tara: you were just saying that you had a lot of emotions over the weekend and really thought about things and you may not have been prepared to share with me then like you are now


10:52:41 PM Ang: oh


10:52:47 PM Ang: well to leave on a good note


10:52:55 PM Ang: so maybe you will be happy somewhat


10:53:21 PM Ang: the moment i knew that he was “the one” — that there was truly and absolutely no reservation at all that i wanted to be with that man and no one else


10:53:34 PM Ang: it was when you and sean were saying goodbye to Brian


10:53:39 PM Ang: and he and i were in the kitchen


10:53:51 PM Ang: he gave me his patented Gordon hug


10:53:58 PM Ang: that i imagine has a special thing in it for just me


10:54:07 PM Ang: but the one where he picks you up off your feet


10:54:14 PM Ang: (i like watching him hug ali like that)


10:54:22 PM Ang: and he kissed me quickly a couple of times


10:54:27 PM Ang: i wish i had been more responsive


10:54:40 PM Ang: but i didn’t want our “first” moment together to be there


10:54:46 PM Ang: in the midst of brian being an ass


10:54:53 PM Ang: and just so brief before he had to go


10:55:02 PM Ang: that night i thought about going over to Gordons house


10:55:04 PM Ang: surprising him


10:55:10 PM Ang: sleeping next to him


10:55:17 PM Ang: i’d missed him so bad for so long at that point


10:55:26 PM Ang: it doesn’t feel natural without him by my side


10:55:40 PM Ang: but i make everything happen with us


10:55:45 PM Ang: i’ve controlled everything


10:55:51 PM Ang: and i didn’t want to take that away from him


10:55:53 PM Ang: his choice


10:55:57 PM Ang: to tell me when he was ready


10:56:01 PM Ang: and the “fresh start” was done


10:56:11 PM Ang: if i had


10:56:16 PM Ang: we wouldn’t be having this conversation


10:56:33 PM Tara: man, i really hope he gives you guys a chance


10:57:13 PM Ang: me too


10:57:27 PM Ang: i nearly threw up the night i bought the ticket to europe


10:57:40 PM Ang: i hope that that doesn’t ruin all chance


10:57:44 PM Ang: the final straw


10:57:54 PM Ang: but i have to go away


10:58:02 PM Ang: i can’t respect his wishes sitting here


10:58:05 PM Ang: i need to clear my head


10:58:11 PM Ang: because if this is really over


10:58:16 PM Ang: i really feel like i have nothing


10:58:23 PM Ang: and you know,


10:58:26 PM Ang: i don’t regret that


10:58:38 PM Ang: i put my all into being ready for this relationship


10:58:51 PM Ang: i haven’t built a life, because it was going to be us building our life togehter


10:59:04 PM Ang: but if it isn’t to be i’ve got a lot of figuring out what i’m going to do


10:59:31 PM Ang: btw, i want you to know


10:59:35 PM Ang: i’ve never been like this before


10:59:45 PM Ang: i think it comes from that every relationship has ended naturally


10:59:53 PM Ang: of natural evolution of life and romance and love


11:00:11 PM Ang: its easy to come to terms with those things


11:00:20 PM Ang: this is just different


11:00:26 PM Ang: but i guess it’s good to have experienced it


11:00:32 PM Ang: nonetheless, let me shut up


11:00:35 PM Ang: thanks for listening


11:00:52 PM Ang: and thanks for holding the truth about my love


11:01:09 PM Ang: i wish i could tell the world


11:01:14 PM Ang: but they just wouldn’t understand 🙂


11:01:56 PM Tara: well i think they would understand that you love someone. And that you needed time to let go of a past love before committing to a new one


11:02:06 PM Tara: that you needed a break in between


11:02:16 PM Tara: but that break included Gordon and i think thats when it got fuzzy


11:02:44 PM Ang: yeah, its strange


11:02:52 PM Ang: i don’t know whether to be happy that i did have at least that with him


11:03:01 PM Ang: or wish that it had never happened so it could be different


11:03:10 PM Ang: i’ve always believed in things as they are


11:03:21 PM Ang: but i just might have found the second regret in my life


11:03:38 PM Ang: well, good night my love


11:03:40 PM Ang: sweet dreams


11:03:47 PM Ang: i am excited to give you your present


11:03:52 PM Ang: but only when you feel better


11:03:58 PM Ang: you have made me happy


11:04:03 PM Ang: that i could share my love/emotion with you


11:04:10 PM Ang: please carry that happiness to bed with you


11:04:16 PM Ang: i know that everything will work out


11:04:24 PM Ang: i just don’t have much faith in understanding that right now


11:04:34 PM Ang: but i guess that’s the part that friends are for 🙂


11:04:43 PM Ang: sweet sweet dreams


11:04:47 PM Ang: and love that boy of yors


11:04:48 PM Ang: yours


11:05:02 PM Tara: ok. i hope you can get some sleep. im glad you felt you could share with me.


11:05:18 PM Tara: we can chat more tomorrow about turkey day plans and try to coordinate something


11:05:33 PM Ang: good night


11:05:35 PM Tara: nite!


11:05:36 PM Ang: xoxo


11:05:37 PM Tara: xox

Nibbles, Nibbles


you know i haven’t been proud of how i’ve been feeling lately. so lost, so desparate, so angry, so abandoned, so unloved. most of all i haven’t been proud of how felt like it wasn’t worth living if brian had given up on me. on us.

but the end of that last post shocks me. i can’t believe what i wrote. sure, janice takes the week of the week i have something to start talking about! it made me think of how much no one really knows. of the fear i used to live with. how i used to hate that there weren’t any bruises. it wasn’t bad enough for anyone to help, but enough to destroy me. i’ve known for a long time that justin reminded me of brad. that attitude.

i feel like it’s the worst idea to write this, but i wish that i could have vengence. i couldn’t comprehend what was going on then, but i can now. why did i shrink back in fear? i could have stopped it. i could have destroyed him. and it’s funny, what brad did to me doesn’t seem as bad. i’d prefer that to what justin did. brad only did that to me once.

i guess i don’t spend alot of time thinking back (haha, i just broke from my tears that were about to start when i realized that brian hates when people write “a lot” as “alot”. god i love him. i’ve tried so hard to fix that error after he casually mentioned it once!)

what was my point? i guess that i don’t spend a lot [sic] of time thinking back because it’s so bad. it’s a nightmare i lived. but i don’t know that i learned a grander lesson from it. sure i don’t think i’ll ever let a guy threaten me physically anymore, but that’s not because i hit back, it’s because i won’t get into that situation. i’ll walk away. fact is i’m scared shitless of being fucked up by some guy. of finally getting the shit kicked out of me the way i’ve always feared. but you can’t always protect yourself from getting into the situation. i could get mugged, and i guess i would just let it happen. i think that’s different, but still. point is, i walked right into this mess thinking i was safe. and when it came down to it i just let it happen to me. i’m just like my mother. i remember her telling me when i was young that she just let it happen because it was easy than fighting back and arguing with her brother over whether or not his friend just raped her. i’m not better than my mother.

i think i might find a self defense class. but what i really want is the ability to devastate some mans ability to ever think of having children the next time someone comes anywhere near crossing the line. i fucking dare them. but see that’s just how it works. you have to be sure he’s warranted it, because you can’t take it back. it reminds me of what my dad told matthew once when matt was pissed. he said “hit me. but make it count, kid. you’d better lay me out because you only have one shot.” i imagine that’s the gist of it. that’s why i never fought back.

i remember one night putting a knife under my side of the bed. brad found it. that’s the night the gouge was put in the kitchen wall. i held to the knife with all my might because i knew at that point it was a stupid idea because now i was fucked. he pinned me to the wall (why do i still remember so vividly the colors of those walls?) and kept smashing my wrist against the wall. i remember being afraid on two accounts then… not only what he’d do to me after he got it free from my hand, but also that it would fall to my feet and i wasn’t wearing shoes, and there was alot of skin along the way. i don’t remember the end of the story. i probably begged. i don’t know. i think that was the same night that i had written the poem below.

truth be told, i don’t want to work through this shit, i just want to be protected and forgiven. i don’t want to turn these stories over in my head, analyze them, look for flaws in my behaviors, figure out what caused what, and all that. it’s a life i can’t even picture as being mine. and i lived it for four years. i just want to forget.

but i want to learn how to hurt a man. there is a movie i’ve always secretly liked. it’s with jennifer lopez and it’s called “enough”. and there is an older one with julia roberts called “sleeping with the enemy”, but that one didn’t strike me as much as enough did.

okay. i feel slightly better. i’m not raging inside. i’m exhausted. i think i’m taking a sleeping pill again tonight. olivia suggested sleeping on the couch… apparently that’s why i slept so well while my brother was here. apparently it’s because it feels like someone is sleeping beside you.

oh, and on that note, i’ll have to note that for all that brad did to me after i was rid of him the hardest thing to do was to sleep alone. i guess that is what i’m going through again. at least i’m not my mother. she knew that he was never coming back.

i’m so tired.

October 1999, Lest it should be forgotten.

I sit here in the dark. I feel pretty much nothing inside.
You are in a better place, but without me.
I don’t know what to say or do.
I can’t leave because you won’t let me live without you.

Death is not an option until Life is a reality. How can you die until you’ve lived?
I wonder if I will be here, and it’ll all be the same, many years from now.
I wonder if we’ll get a divorce and move on apart from each other.

I really can’t see a future, can you?
I can’t see one day when we’ll have kids.
I can’t see one day when our brothers and sisters return.
I can’t see one day when the sun shines on us together.
I can’t see one day when you dance with me.
I can’t see one day when our children are born.
I can’t see one day when they grow up.
I can’t see one day when someone else’s life continues becomes more important than our own.
I can’t see one day when you smile lovingly down at my face.
I can’t see one day when my dad is alive.
I can’t see one day when we live.
I can’t see one day when we live forever.

I don’t want it to be like this. But there seems to be a problem bigger than us.
But, you can’t fix a something that isn’t broken.
And you don’t think that there’s anything broken.

How do you love someone who isn’t themselves?
How do you love someone who isn’t alive?
How do you love someone who doesn’t notice?
How do you love someone who doesn’t reply?
I want to believe in us, but there doesn’t seem much to believe in.
I want to believe in God, but noone seems to be out there.
I want to believe in love, but there is only hate.
I want to believe in you, but you don’t seem to care.

What ever happened to when we used to talk, together?
What ever happened to when we used to cry, together?
What ever happened to when we used to laugh, together?
What ever happened to when we used to work, together?

I try so hard to look forward.
But to what?
I try not to look back,
but you do.

More and more we gain, less and less we have.
Other people envy us.
They think we’re so great.
How they would love to have someone like us,
and to love and to take.
But if only they really knew,
if only they cared.
But no one bothers,
no one dares.

Who wants to admit that something is broken,
Who wants to admit a three-cord bond that is torn?
Who wants to help when evil befalls us,
who wants to carry us thru the storm?
But up to us it is, to make it thru.
Up to us it is, to practice the things we should do.

But so far away the days seems to fade.
So far away when it all seemed so clear.
So here I sit, and there you are.
At the meeting, so close but so far.

What does it take to feel again?
What does it take to live again?
What does it take to avoid death at the end?
This letter, like all, it must end.

Do you fear death, my love, losing my life?
Do you fear the pain in my Mom’s eyes?
Do you fear answering to why I wasn’t happy?
Do you fear trying to pretend it hasn’t happened?

One day I will be gone.
One day you won’t notice.
One day I will be gone.
And no one will notice.

You’ve lost me so far.
They’ve all lost me so far.

They say when God seems far away
you should guess who moved.
I guess I’ve moved, and he doesn’t know my forwarding address.
A friend who doesn’t write,
but cares all the same?

Why doesn’t someone stop me,
from this life that I live?
Why doesn’t someone love me,
from this hate that I give?
When does it all end?

I picture my head, my hair a mess and bloody…
you accidently pushed too hard, and I hit it on the corner of the bed.

I picture my baby, laying in the toilet.
You pushed too hard, and hurt my stomach.

I think it’s better this way.
That I die so others may live.

Don’t worry I won’t kill myself,
I have someone else to do that for me.



tonight i went to happy hour with Kei and Chris. i did manage to get five tickets for all us to Young Frankenstein.

i was sitting there at seven when i checked my phone to find out that i had missed meeting up with Olivia. i had had it scheduled for tomorrow, and inadvertantly stood her up. i paid my bill and raced over to the spa to meet her.

afterwards we went to the mall, and she had me go into Tiffany’s and another jewlery store. she wanted to see watches (for paul) and necklaces and earrings. nobody but me knows, but shes buying us the amazing three diamond necklaces and matching earrings. the necklaces are almost $700 each. i didn’t see how much the earrings are. when she told me i told her that they are amazing, but that we love her and that nobody expects that… that if she needs to cut back that they should be the first to go! (she isn’t thinking of it, but thought i could help…) i guess i’m just stunned. no one, no one, has ever been so generous to me before. i don’t own jewelry that expensive, let alone a friend spending over a $1,000 on me! i’m stunned and humbled.

we went from there to ann taylor where i ordered $300 worth of shoes to find one pair that might work. i don’t know why, but they are all $100+ a pair. that’s as much as the dress… but oh well, its nothing compared to what she’s spending. then the lady at the counter said that i could have free shipping if i had an ann taylor card. well, brian owns the card. i looked over at olivia and then realized that it was just easier to call. so i broke the pact and called brian to get his social security number so they could look up the card. then i was just flabbergasted. he was so warm and happy and friendly and easy going. it kills me. my heart wonders if he is reaching out to me, if he misses me. then there is the insecure cynical me that “realizes” that he’s just giving me the nice guy routine, or treating me as a friend, as in here’s my effort because i don’t love you anymore but we can still be friends, right?

olivia and i went to sushi and reed called. he had texted a couple of times tonight. oli and then went upstairs for a bit and i made her tea. she left just before 11 so i could get on this crazy late night conf call i’m on right now.

so yeah, i tried hard to not think of brian today, but i saw him pulling into the garage… i looked right past him, but his face went from a huge smile to flat when he turned and saw me. and then he left his laptop sitting on the table in the conference room as we were all leaving and i had to try so hard not to care, to go over and collect his things or call and see if i should grab it for him. i mean, reasonably, he wasn’t far, but still it was in me to take care of it, of him.

also i stopped this morning on the way into the office to get a mini bottle of advil or tylenol for my purse because brian has said several times lately (and boy it kills every time) that real women always carry pain medicine. well it came in handy because miwa needed some and i had it for her. as she sat down (on the other side of Brian across the aisle) she thanked me and i smiled at her, and realized that brian was looking thinking that maybe i meant him. i think he figured out that i was looking past him, but it just sucked and at the same time maybe it made him feel good for a moment that i was smiling so genuinely, and then crushed to realize it wasn’t for him.

i have to say i feel bad that i wanted him to hurt, but i think in reflection it’s just that i wanted him to realize that he cared. that he cared that my smile wasn’t for him, and maybe there would be a moment where he wished it were for him.

okay, his name has been mentioned several times now in this call. i can’t escape him!

moving on – ok, so i’m planning out my time, both until the end of the month (i’m not going to assume that brian will be done then, but it’s a starting point to plan against) and through the end of september when i start my final quarter as a graduating senior.

mike texted earlier. i called him back after olivia left. he was waiting to board. he said he’d be there for the next hour, but i think he’ll have boarded already. honestly i’d rather not talk to him tonight, i’d rather just stick with my sad thoughts about brian.

oh, tonight made me realize just how much i distrusted brian’s intentions. he bought me the gift certificate from gene juarez (where i started tonight with olivia) and then he comes with a necklace (and i was there too… and said to her that i could never imagine him in there, she said paul or omar either, and i smiled to myself when i realized i could picture him in there far more than them; an odd kind of pride). i don’t know why guys buy gifts when they feel bad or they’ve hurt you. its so sad. why couldn’t he have bought me lingerie when he thought i was irresistable?! or a necklace when he still thought that he was going to marry me?

separately on another tangent it bothers me that i have yet, in our entire relationship, found a meaningful gift for him. i just found one for eilon – but brian, nope. i know that the cabinet was really thoughtful and that it rocks (from a functionality, duration of giving back kind of way) but that’s like getting a vacuum cleaner… or not quite as bad.

last night, did i mention, that i hurried home hoping that he hadn’t tried coming over after the show and gave up because i wasn’t there? i don’t know. but i did. i’m so pathetic. i just love him and want to huggle and snuggle and love him.

i know it’s the right thing to give him time and space, but i’ve felt so unloved (and boring) for so long that i don’t know how long i can hang on. i’m afraid the spirit of our love will have died inside me. at this point it’s all i can do. it just has hurt for so long that i think it’s burned my heart leaving a few embers in ashes.

i think this is why we keep going as we do. classic us is to get back together again, but neither of us has enough constitution to stick out necks out and give more and love until the other can love back. we’re both just too freaking scared and we hobble along until someone gives up and backs up again and then we start the next roller coast dive.

what i wouldn’t give for security. how ironic that i felt most secure when i was in actuality the most insecure.

oh well. who knew i’d be looking forward through the end of summer to school just so i could dive in again. it’ll carry me to the new year, and then i can do whatever i want or need to do.

oh, i have an interview being set up. i’m not certain i really want to – it might really mess with the little clarity i’m trying to work on, but i guess it’s not bad to continue furthering my options.

when i called rachel she was at dinner (she’s just gotten back from india) and hasn’t called me back. i checked out flights today, and like mike know that i was thinking of going. that worries me, i think that i need to establish what seems to be a foregone conclusion, but i’m really tired of thinking i’m safe and that i know where things stand and being slapped in the face. he’s supposed to be back in seattle mid-september or so anyway, so maybe i’ll just do a weekend with rachel and then see him on my own turf.

oh, another side note. i have a perverse daydream of what i’d do to the next guy who tries to take advantage of me in some way. i think about all the options, and i’m working up my mental imagery so i can see it through if ever given (or i should say when i’m given) the opportunity to see my daydream in reality. i think i had a breakthrough moment when i realized that i am afraid of fighting back, of what “he” might do (whoever he should be) to me. i guess it goes back to being fearful of brad, but to be honest i feel like it could be a relief to be hit or something. no body feels sorry for the girl who was taken advantage of who doesn’t have bruises… she should have fought back. let me castrate you mother fucker and then you can knock me fucking in the face. i’ll have my day.

Nibbles, Nibbles


you are my best friend, and you always want to be my best friend

as my best friend you love me and want the best for me, for me to be healthy and safe

your finest moments in loving me are in my worst moments of living where you demonstrate just that. you put yourself and your heart and your feelings aside to care for me, to take care of me, to help me heal, so that i may one day become a secure and confident woman as i remember being as a little girl.

this all feels fantastic. this feels like what love should be. i don’t know what love is, but if it isn’t that, what else is there?

then i am sad.

this is my messed up logic.

what point is there in becoming that amazing me that you and and i believe in, if it isn’t for you? why would you invest so much in me and treasure the outcome? why would you love me so much and not love me?

there are many things i don’t understand. this is the one that overshadows me every day, and has since the spring.

all my logic can do is to say that you don’t love me in that way. but i don’t know what it is that would be missing so that could possibly be true. we connect by just looking into each others eyes when we lay our heads down beside each other. we connect in the most intimate of movements and motion.

so when i lose my sense of self and i say over and over “i don’t understand”, maybe you can at least understand what i mean.

i’m just emailing. i don’t want responses. i just want to share. i want to send the thoughts from the deepest depths of exploring my heart and soul out there into the world to the only one i put faith in.

if we aren’t lovers at least being friends can really mean something.

if i can’t be loved, i just want to be understood.

i was content today when you guys came to see eilon’s house. you seemed happy and i was happy. at little sad, but happy. that made me happy. to see you at ease, relaxed.