Response

What things happen for a reason? Are we refering to my past three years? At this point in life I’m tired. I’m wondering things like why wasn’t I good enough to keep these things from happening. Where did I go so wrong to end up in the situations that I did? I’m tired, beaten, and worn. I desperately needed to talk. To talk about the violations I’ve recieved as a person and to my soul. But there isn’t anyone. I’m expected to walk this world alone. Figure it out for myself. All I figured out is that if I don’t rock the boat I don’t get hurt. As usual in these type of “matters” my requests to the proper people aren’t met with response. I’m tired of fighting for the rights that they’re supposed to uphold.

Don’t blame me, I’m just tired.

I know what I did wrong, and I know that I need a lot of work to get back to the way that I used to be. But without anyone around cheering me on, and then hearing that my own parents don’t even expect me to “make it” – well I’m tired.

I no longer look forward to Dave concerts in the summer. I don’t think about cruises in the Bahamas in the winter. I just live each day as I live and don’t really even think about the future.

What’s supposed to motivate me to do otherwise? I’m tired, and there isn’t anyone to hold my hand.

One last thing – why even bother? I’ve heard about how your friends treat you just because of what they think they know – when there wasn’t even anything to talk about.

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Different Views

I think that some things happen for a reason. SOME things. Others you just can’t tell what’s going to happen or not. I definity think that people change. Even if YOU don’t want them to it’s inevitable. Change always happens. So either you can stay the same or you can change with it. I prefer to change with it, What about you??

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Music

Has she lost her mind?

I don’t think that she has, I think that she just needs time to figure out who she is and wants to be.

Who do you want to be?
WHAT do you want?
Maybe that’s a better question.

Has she lost her mind?

I remember thinking
I’ll go on forever only knowing
I’ll see you again

But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other

And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
But we dance no longer.

I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When you’re not here that’s hung
Around my head

Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep up with each other

Or will we?

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Angie & Brad Benson

Just thoughts…

It’s eleven o’clock, and I’m just thinking. I just watched a movie which in the end showed what true friendship is about. (Brokedown Palace) I can’t help but think about my friends, or the one’s I had. Life is so different now. So far from what it used to be. According to the rules I grew up by, I don’t deserve my friends, and I’ll never talk to them again, according to the way I live.

My parents don’t believe I’ll ever “make it back”. I guess I’ve just proved them right. The life I used to know is just gone. I don’t remember it. I don’t remember how it feels. I’m crying now. I guess because I know what it feels like to admit to it.

Driving home the other night I thought about how alone in this world I am. I put the one person I feel a connection with on a plane, and realized that was the one person. Funny thing is I can’t say that I’m lonely necessarily. I’m just here. I’m just living. I do what I have to do, day by day. Live how life is there to be lived. I find enough to wake up to the next morning.

It’s weird – Not remembering. Not being able to touch the past. I can’t long for it. I can’t look back and reminisce. It’s just gone. If anyone out there is listening, don’t be hurt. It’s like my dad. I miss him so dearly, although I never knew him.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder what choices I could have made that would have so drastically altered my life. what if my dad had never died? What if I had never made the mistakes I did with my “first love”? What if I had never met or married Brad? What if I had never given up?

Maybe I don’t stop to cry because I refuse to believe the story I have to tell. How could I have ever had this happen, all the things in my life? What did I do to ever deserve this?

I was captured in a moment today when I heard “Still the One” on the radio. That was supposed to be Brad’s and my song, in a silly backwards way. What do I even say to that? What do I say to the past four years of my life? What do I say to sitting around and taking it, until my spirit and heart was crushed? Why did I ever believe I should be so strong? Why didn’t I give up in the right place?

I don’t wish for anything – I don’t have a vision in my head of the way I wish things were. I’m here, and I’m fine. I’m alive and that’s enough. I just have a story to tell that I wouldn’t even believe myself.

So how freely to I vent my soul to the world? To those who don’t know me, or the ones who know the most? Do I tell you all the stories, and hope that no one is listening? Do I find strength in coming to terms with the sadness some turn their eyes from?

So many do not feel it is their place to know what goes on inside a marriage. What went on is my only solace for where I am. With that here’s my words, a story from a night – July 29, 1999. Continue reading

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Music

Easy life.

She has lost her mind.

Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your time with me
Would you say you’re feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind

See you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but who you’re with
That really matters
And hurts not much when you’re around
And if you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you’re missing all the rest

Well she ran up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind’s eye is

Seeing things from a
Better side than most can dream
On a clearer road I feel
Oh you could say she’s safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but what you think
That really matters
We’ll make the best of what’s around

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Music

Ryan

“Dave is a good song writer – here’s a couple lyrics I think apply.”

And in your eyes I see what’s on my mind
You’ve got me wild turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way I do now
Tomorrow go back to being friends
Tomorrow go back to being friends
Just for tonight, one night…love you
And tomorrow say goodbye

It’s a typical situation
In these typical times
Too many choices
We can’t do a thing about it
Too many choices

Everybody asks me how she’s doing
Has she really lost her mind?
I said, I couldn’t tell you I’ve lost mine
I’m okay, I’m okay

Surprise, surprise you pay for what you get
You pay for what you get
Oh well oh well so here we stand
But we stand for nothing

How long I’m tied up My mind in knots –
My stomach reels In concern for what I might do or
What I’ve done It’s got me living in fear
But sometimes this thick confusion
Grows until I cannot bear it at all I let you down,
Oh, forgive me I have no lid upon my head
But if I did You could look inside and see what’s on my mind
How could I be such a fool like me oh, forgive me oh, forgive me

To the one who understands.

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