Are You There God? It's Me, Gidget

Daydreams of God

I left my McDreamy in bed as I’d had a horrid nights sleep myself. We had watch “Spy Hard” and my active brain is in the mode of being the God daughter, as it were.

I once toyed with the idea of Darryl as God on earth but he rejected the notion. One day He’ll live here and I just imagine what he’ll be like. He’d be a lot like my husband.

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Culture

This Was Water

My momma has drunk water in years, and David Foster Wallace died of suicide.

There were these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says,

“Morning, boys, how’s the water?”

And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes,

“What the hell is water?”

“The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about. Stated as an English sentence, of course, this is just a banal platitude, but the fact is that in the day to day trenches of adult existence, banal platitudes can have a life or death importance…”

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Walk away…

Well I just don’t know what to do. Choices are easy. Making them, and sticking to them are harder. I walk this world alone. I don’t think I have even been truly alone before.

People talk about inner strength, and finding “it” within yourself. Well I doubt those people have really been there. Having no one to turn to for support or strength, or encouragement. Not knowing where to find the motivation. Looking for just one person who can understand.
I have one who’ll listen, but can never be one with who I am. And I can’t find my way back to those who can.

I knew from the begining that there were differences to great to overcome. That old saying “sometimes love just isn’t enough”. I don’t think it’s a defect with love, I just think that we don’t allow ourselves to love where we are limited. We resist any limitations at all.

Funny thing about you and me- Where I find freedom, you see confinement.

So, here I am again. Back to the same place I’ve found myself so many times before… wondering how do I walk away?

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Reminder

“At times we aren’t volatile. I feel we couldn’t be more one. At other times I feel we are so volatile and there’s nothing I can do. I’m not asking for you to have the energy to fight for us. I’m not fighting against us. I’m not walking away quickly when I say time. I’m hoping that things work out for the best while we take a breather and hopefully we becomes closer. You have a strong loving conviction and it adds to my love for you. There’s a strength that one reaches though where I need you to be and it hurts me when I hurt you because you aren’t. We’ve had this happen several times including this morning.

That’s just something though. Thats not close to enough to make me stop loving you. What scares me deeply? That’s a good question and I don’t really know the answer. Everything I’d probably list here you’d tell me that I don’t know you so I won’t go into it to the fullest extent. Whether we are compatible types scares me. You have a lot of answers to the world and have been a lot of places and know a lot of people and that’s not what I want for my other half. I’m not really looking for someone to show the world to me. I’m afraid you aren’t soft-spoken enough for me and know the enjoyment that comes from silence even at the busiest times. I’m afraid I’m not going to entertain you enough because at this point in time I’m enjoying the lathargic life style of relaxing at home, playing some games perhaps, getting some work done, or just watching TV. These are just two or three of my thoughts that go on that point of whether we’re the right type for one another. On the counter we have many things we share and have in common so do not think I think of the glass as being half empty. What scares me…well I’m scared we aren’t right for one another and that our love will grow stronger and when more things go wrong it will rip me in half.”

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Music

Has she lost her mind?

I don’t think that she has, I think that she just needs time to figure out who she is and wants to be.

Who do you want to be?
WHAT do you want?
Maybe that’s a better question.

Has she lost her mind?

I remember thinking
I’ll go on forever only knowing
I’ll see you again

But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other

And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
But we dance no longer.

I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And I know your the heaviest weight
When you’re not here that’s hung
Around my head

Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep up with each other

Or will we?

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10/15/2000

We stand so close
You and I.
You hold my hand
and we take off to fly.

The wind catches our wings
and as we start to soar
One of us looks down
and begins to doubt.

Our eyes are masked
our hearts not so far behind.
Such a struggle to let go
with each other…

Too much to lose?

So we enjoy where we stand
so close to each other.
Once again you’ll take my hand
and together we’ll soar.

10.15.2000

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Entirely, Louis Macneice

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
And falling twigs of song,
And when we eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely
If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else’s arms
We should not fear the spears of spring nor the city’s
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of love entirely.
And if the world were black and white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be meremy
Bored but in brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

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Music

Easy life.

She has lost her mind.

Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your time with me
Would you say you’re feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind

See you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but who you’re with
That really matters
And hurts not much when you’re around
And if you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you’re missing all the rest

Well she ran up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind’s eye is

Seeing things from a
Better side than most can dream
On a clearer road I feel
Oh you could say she’s safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but what you think
That really matters
We’ll make the best of what’s around

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Music

Ryan

“Dave is a good song writer – here’s a couple lyrics I think apply.”

And in your eyes I see what’s on my mind
You’ve got me wild turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way I do now
Tomorrow go back to being friends
Tomorrow go back to being friends
Just for tonight, one night…love you
And tomorrow say goodbye

It’s a typical situation
In these typical times
Too many choices
We can’t do a thing about it
Too many choices

Everybody asks me how she’s doing
Has she really lost her mind?
I said, I couldn’t tell you I’ve lost mine
I’m okay, I’m okay

Surprise, surprise you pay for what you get
You pay for what you get
Oh well oh well so here we stand
But we stand for nothing

How long I’m tied up My mind in knots –
My stomach reels In concern for what I might do or
What I’ve done It’s got me living in fear
But sometimes this thick confusion
Grows until I cannot bear it at all I let you down,
Oh, forgive me I have no lid upon my head
But if I did You could look inside and see what’s on my mind
How could I be such a fool like me oh, forgive me oh, forgive me

To the one who understands.

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Music

Soul mates.

I feel partly settled. Like I finally know what I want, and have the strength and courage to achieve it. It’s funny. I thought today I would lose. I didn’t.

Soul mates. n.
1. One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.
2. Someone for whom you have a deep affinity (a natural attraction or feeling of kinship)

I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know how to feel about it. There so much I used to question. To examine, and analyze. Now I don’t. I just accept. I am guided by heart, rather than mind. It’s a much more peaceful way of being.

This is so new for me. Being content, I think. Being okay. What more can I say?
So maybe I won’t.

I have my path, I know what I need to do, and how to do it, and the way to get to where I’m going.
I used to think that going my way meant that I was walking away from something else. I guess I don’t see that anymore. Even if the natural inclination is to believe that we are losing. It’s not possible. Somehow. someway there is a connection. Something deeper than our comprehension. Farther than our definitions define. And that’s what hold us together.

It’s also amazing that I’m so content in the moment. So much of life is lived looking to the future or wistfully into the past.“The future is no place, to place your better days”. And so with that in mind, I live. Today.


There’s a moment lost in time
When she says hush
I’m on your side
It’s just the two of us
You know that I
You know I’ll never say goodbye

How many days can you waste it boy
It’s a shame they say
There’s so much you know he’ll never enjoy
All the love we come to destroy

There’s a moment lost in time
When she says hush
I’m on your side
It’s just the two of us
Though they might try


angela

someone’s always coming around here trailing some new kill
says I seen your picture on a hundred dollar bill
and what’s a game of chance to you, to him is one of real skill
so glad to meet you
angela
picking up the ticket shows there’s money to be made
go on and lose the gamble that’s the history of the trade
you add up all the cards left to play to zero
and sign up with evil
angela
don’t start me trying now
‘cos I’m all over it
angela
I could make you satisfied in everything you do
all your ‘secret wishes’ could right now be coming true
and be forever with my poison arms around you
no-one’s gonna fool around with us
no-one’s gonna fool around with us
so glad to meet you
angela

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Simple thoughts & explainations

Still tumbling through thoughts.

Isn’t it like me,
To want to say,
Things I can’t explain in simple ways?

Why should I be sane?
Why can’t I be crazy?

Sometimes I’m up,
Sometimes I’m down,
I choke on words, and make no sound.
Sometimes.

Why is it so hard,
To know myself?
Underneath this skin you’ll find, someone else.

Don’t be so suprised,
When you look inside me,
(inside me)

Sometimes It’s black,
Sometimes It’s white,
You hide behind electric light,
Sometimes.

Sometimes I swear,
Sometimes I pray,
Suddenly the guilty dissobey,
Sometimes.

Sometimes I’m weak,
Sometimes I’m strong,
Living with the fear I don’t belong,
Sometimes.

Sometimes I stand,
Sometimes I fall,
I throw myself against the wall,
Sometimes.

Sometimes I sink,
Sometimes I swim,
Tell me why my world is caving in,
Sometimes.

Sometimes it’s sweet,
Sometimes it’s raw,
Trying to get so high, like I did before,
Sometimes.

Sometimes in love,
Sometimes in hate,
Sometimes it’s all a big mistake,
Sometimes.

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Music

Irreconcilable differences.

ir·rec·on·cil·a·ble – adj.

Impossible to reconcile: irreconcilable differences.

n.
1. A person, especially a member of a group, who will not compromise, adjust, or submit.
2. One of two or more conflicting ideas or beliefs that cannot be brought into harmony.

I am torn.

I thought I saw a man brought to life,
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified,
He showed me what it was to cry,
Well, you couldn’t be that man I adored.
You don’t seem to know, seem to care, what your heart is for,
But I don’t know him anymore,
There’s nothing where he used to lie,
My conversation has run dry,
That’s what’s goin’ on. Nothing’s fine I’m torn…

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