Culture, Music

Mira Parfitt. I just love a woman on guitar rocking Rainbows.

Follow Mira via the San Diego Reader

(Taken with Instagram at Bird Rock Coffee Roasters)

One of the day dreams I’ve had is to help young artists find their audience. Mira Parfitt (@miraparfitt) was one of those people who inspired that in me.

Update January 21, 2013: Mira released New Plaid Shirt on Mira Parfitt, her own label.

The photo below was taken at my favorite San Diego Coffee shop, Bird Rock Coffee Roasters, and is nearly two years earlier.

https://rd.io/e/Qj5kWGM

Hey, I took that photo! 💕“I just love a woman on guitar rocking Rainbows.”
— @ang RE @miragoto Rockin’ Rainbows and her favorite plaid flannel shirt playing her guitar, singing for Bird Rock Coffee Roasters
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Music

My Favorite Dave Songs

Everybody asks me how she’s doin’
Has she really lost her mind?
I said, I couldn’t tell you
I’ve lost mine

Everybody asks me how she’s doing
Is she really all she says…
Everybody asks me how she’s doing
Since she went away
I said I couldn’t tell you
I’m OK I’m OK I’m OK (How are you?)

pantala naga pampa

Come and relax now, put your troubles down
No need to bear the weight of your worries here
Let them all fall away

#41

Come and see
I swear by now I’m playing time against my troubles
I’m coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance and while I’m in the front
The play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won’t tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
What if they came down crushing
Remember when I used to play for all of the loneliness that nobody
notices now
I’m begging slow I’m coming here
Only waiting I wanted to stay
I wanted to play,
I wanted to love you

I’m only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way

I’m coming waltzing back and moving into your head
Please, I wouldn’t pass this by
I wouldn’t take any more than
What sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why won’t you ever be glad
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why won’t you run
in the rain and play
Let the tears splash all over you

Crush

Crazy, how it feels tonight
Crazy, how you make it all alright, love
Crush me with the things you do
And I’ll do for you, anything, too, oh
Sitting, smoking, feeling high,
And in this moment, oh, it feels so right

Lovely lady, I am at your feet
Oh God, I want you so badly
And I wonder this, could tomorrow be
So wondrous as you there, sleeping?

Let’s go — drive ’til morning comes,
Watch the sun rise and fill our souls up
Drink some wine til we get drunk, yeah

It’s crazy, I’m thinking, just knowing that the world is round,
And here I’m dancing on the ground
Am I right-side-up or upside-down,
And is this real or am I dreaming?

Lovely lady, let me drink you, please
Won’t spill a drop, no, I promise you
Laying under this spell you cast on me,
Each moment, the more I love you
Crush me, come on, oh yeah

It’s crazy, I’m thinking, just knowing that the world is round,
And here I’m dancing on the ground
Am I right-side-up or upside-down,
Is this real or am I dreaming?

Lovely lady, I will treat you sweetly, oh
I adore you, I mean, you crush me
And it’s times like these when my faith, I feel it
I know, how I love you
Come on, come on, baby

It’s crazy, I’m thinking, just as long as you’re around,
And here I’ll be dancing on the ground
Am I right-side-up or upside-down?
To each other we’ll be facing, my love, my love
We’ll beat back the pain we’ve found
You know, I mean to tell you all the things I’ve been thinking deep inside
My friend,
Each moment, the more I love you

Crush me, come on, baby
So much you have given, love,
That I would give you back again and again
Oh love, meaning I’ll hold you, but please,
Please, just let me always

Rapunzel

Open wide
Oh, so good I’ll eat you
Take me for a ride
In your sweet delicious
Perfect little mouth
Thereupon I linger
You will have no doubt
That I’ll do my best for you, I do

Love
Let’s stop to get it going
Lost myself just thinking
About the two of us
From each other drinking
Begin with the lips
Fingertips and kissing
Turn me inside out
I do my best for you

Up and down we go
From the top you push me
This is such a thrill
Lost in love and dancing
Shake your tambourine
You blow my head open
Of one thing I’m sure
I do my best for you I do

For you I would crawl
Through the darkest dungeon
Climb the castle wall
If you are my Rapunzel
You let your hair down
Right in through your window
Good they locked the door
‘Cause I do my best for you

I think the world of you
All of my heart I do
Blood through my veins for you
You alone have all of me
I give my world to you
To you I will be true

Too good to be real
The smell of something cooking
My soul you’re to steal
Food of love we’re filling
What you’ve given me
For it there is no measure
Of one thing I am know
Is I’ll give my best for you

I think the world of you
With all of my heart I do
This blood through my veins for you
You alone have all of me
From you my strength is so full
To carry your burdens, too
And I give my world to you

Hip lock up so tight
You drive me crazy
Crazy is all right
With you looking at me
You make me feel high
Every single thing you do to me is like I’m drunk
I’ll do my best for you, I do

Say Goodbye

So here we are tonight,
You and me together
The storm outside, the fire is bright
And in your eyes I see
What’s on my mind
You’ve got me wild
Turned around inside
And then desire, see, is creeping
up heavy inside here
And know you feel the same way
I do now
Now let’s make this an evening
Lovers for a night, lovers for tonight
Stay here with me, love, tonight
just for an evening
When we make
our passion pictures
You and me twist up
Secret creatures
And we’ll stay here
Tomorrow go back to being friends

Go back to being friends
But tonight let’s be lovers,
We kiss and sweat
We’ll turn this better thing
To the best
Of all we can offer, Just a rogue kiss
Tangled tongues and lips,
See me this way
I’m turning and turning for you
Girl, just tonight

Float away here with me
An evening just wait and see
But tomorrow go back to your man
I’m back to my world
And we’re back to being friends
Wait and see me,
Tonight let’s do this thing
All we are is wasting hours until the sun comes up it’s all ours
On our way here
Tomorrow go back to being friends

Go back to being friends
Tonight let’s be lovers, say you will
And hear me call, soft-spoken whispering love
A thing or two I have to say here
Tonight let’s go all the way then
Love I’ll see you,
Just for this evening
Let’s strip down, trip out at this
One evening starts with a kiss
Run away

And tomorrow
Back to being friends
Lovers…love…lovers
Just for tonight, one night…love you
And tomorrow say goodbye

Lover Lay Down

Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
Slip into my lover’s hands
Kiss me oh won’t you kiss me now
And sleep I would inside your mouth

Don’t be us too shy
Knowing it’s no big surprise
That I will wait for you
I will wait for no one but you

Look please lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Together share this smile
Lover lay down

Walk with me, walk with you
Hold my hand your hands
So much we have dreamed
And you were so much younger
Hard to explain that we are stronger

A million reasons life to deny
Let’s toss them away
See you and me we
Lay down look see
She and he
By my lover’s side
Together share this smile
Each other’s tears to cry
Together share this smile
Lover lay down

Oh please
Look please lover lay down
Oh please lover lay down
And you weep
Lover lay down
Cause it’s over
Lover lay down
Say lover, say lover, say lover, say lover, say lover
Could I love you
Could you love me
Could I love you
Could you love me
Could I love you
Could you love me
Could I love you
Could you love me
Darling it’s
All the same
All the same
All the same
All the same
‘Til we dance away
‘Til we dance away
‘Til we dance away
‘Til we dance away
Chasing me all around
Leading me all around
Leading me all around in circles
Leading me all around in circles
Say…

Two Step

Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I’m seeking
Love, you drive me to distraction

Hey my love do you believe that we might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
We’re climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
These things we cannot change

Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and you quench my mind

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but
Sweet for certain
We’re climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
The things we cannot
Celebrate, you and me, climbing two by two, to be sure
these days continue, things we cannot change

Oh, my love I came to you
with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me
Just what I’m seeking

Celebrate we will
Because life is short
But sweet for certain
We’re climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change…
Things we cannot change

The Best of What’s Around

Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your times with me
Would you say you’re feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind

See, you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
And so can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but who you’re with
That really matters
And hurts not much when you’re around

If you hold on tight
To what you think is your thing
You may find you’re missing all the rest
She run up into the light surprised
Her arms are open
Her mind’s eye is

Seeing things from a
Clearer side than most can dream
On a better road I feel
So you could say she’s safe
Whatever tears at her
Whatever holds her down
And if nothing can be done
She’ll make the best of what’s around

Turns out not where but what you think
That really matters
And hurts not much when you’re around

Jimi Thing

Lately I’ve been feeling low
A remedy is what I’m seeking
Take a taste of what’s below
Come away to something better
What I want is what I’ve not got
But what I need is all around me
Reaching searching never stop
And I’ll say…

If you could keep me floating just for a while
‘Til I get to the end of this tunnel, mummy
If you could keep me floating just for a while
I’ll get back to you

Take a Jimi Thing
Just to keep me swingin’
I’d like to show you what’s inside
I shouldn’t care if you don’t like it
Brother chaos rules all about
Sometimes I walk there
Yes, God knows sometimes I take a bus
I should’t care I shouldn’t care bereaved as
I’m feeling

Day is gone I’m on my back
Staring up at the ceiling
I take a drink sit back relax
Smoke my mind makes me feel
Better for a short time
What I want is what I’ve not got
What I need is all around me
Reaching searching never stop
And I’ll say

If you could keep me floating just for a while
‘Til I get to the end of this tunnel…mummy
If you could keep me floating just for a while
I’ll get back to you

Some Devil

One last kiss one only
Then I’ll let you go Hard for you
I’ve fallen
But you can’t break my fall
I’m broken don’t break me
When I hit the ground

Some devil some angel
Has got me to the bones
You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Too drunk and still drinking
It’s just the way I feel
It’s alright
Is what you told me
Cause what we had was so beautiful
Feel heavy like floating
At the bottom of the sea

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Some devil is stuck inside of me
I cannot set it free
I wish, I wish I was dead and you breathing
Just so that you could know
Some angel is stuck inside of me
But I cannot set you free

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Such a long and lonely time

Stuck inside of me

Stay or Leave

Maybe different but remember
Winters warm there you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And the summer comes
The river swims at midnight shiver cold
Touch the bottom you and I
With muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go but you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave I want you not to go but you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
The way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go but you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave I want you not to go but you did

So what to do
With the rest of the day’s afternoon hey
Isn’t it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I should

That I coulda done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me
What day is this
Besides the day you went
So what to do
With the rest of the day’s afternoon hey
Well isn’t it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me, I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this?

I’ll Back You Up

I remember thinking
I’ll go on forever only knowing
I’ll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is so hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other

And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would like to dance
Around the world with me

I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you’re the heaviest weight
When you’re not here that’s hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I’ll back you up

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other

I’ll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you’re the heaviest weight
When you’re not here that’s hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest few
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I’ll back you up

One Sweet World

Nine planets round the sun
Only one does the sun embrace
Upon this watered one
So much we take for granted

So let us sleep outside tonight
Lay down in our mother’s arms
For here we can rest safely

If green should slip to gray
But our hearts still bloody be
And if mountains crumble away
And the river dry
Would it stop the stepping feet

Take all that we can get
When it’s done
Nobody left to bury here
Nobody left to dig the holes
And here we can rest safely

One sweet world
Around a star is spinning
One sweet world
And in her breath I’m swimming
And here we will rest in peace

The Stone

I’ve this creeping
Suspicion that things here are not as they seem
Reassure me
Why do I feel as if I’m in too deep
Now I’ve been praying
For some way to show them I’m not what they see
Yes, I have done wrong
But what I did I thought needed be done
I swear

Oh unholy day
If I leave now I might get away
Oh, but this weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go

I was just wondering if you’d come along
Hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I will go alone
I’m a long way
From that fool’s mistake and now forever pay
No, run
I will run and I’ll be okay

I was just wondering if you’d come along
Hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I will go alone
Long way
Bury the past for I don’t want to pay
Oh, how I wish this
To turn back the clock and do over again

Now I was just wondering if you’d come along
Hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I’ll go alone

I need so
To stay in your arms, see you smile, hold you close
And now it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and a bone chilling cold

I was just wondering if you’d come along
Tell me you will

Pig

Isn’t it strange
How we move our lives for another day
Like skipping a beat
What if a great wave should wash us all away
Just thinking out loud
Don’t mean to dwell on this dying thing
But looking at blood
It’s alive right now
Deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate moving wine to tears
Drinking it deep
Then an evening spent dancing
It’s you and me
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see the glow of something bright
There’s much more than we see here
Don’t burn the day away
Don’t burn the day
Don’t burn the day away

Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life, is it not enough?
Staring down at the ground
Oh, then complain and pray for more from above,
You greedy little pig,
Stop, just watch your world trickle away
Oh, it’s your problem now
It’ll all be dead and gone in a few short years

Oh, just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope back in our minds
Much more than we could ever know
Oh, so don’t burn the day away
Don’t burn the day away

Oh, come sisters, my brothers,
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
I’m saying, open up and let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
Oh, that the best is yet to come
But oh, while you’re dancing on the ground,
Don’t think of, oh, when you’re gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
‘Cause we need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head, dry your eyes, let the love in there,
There’s bad times but that’s okay, just look for love in there

And don’t burn the day away
Look, here are we,
On this starry night, staring into space
And I must say, I feel as small as dust lying down here

Oh, what point could there be troubling
Head down, wondering, “what will become of me?”
Why concern? We cannot see but no reason to abandon it
The time is short, time, that’s all right
Maybe I’ll go out in the middle of the night,
And take your hand, look in your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end sometime

Oh, but don’t burn the day away
Don’t burn the day away

Oh, come sisters, my brothers,
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet,
I’m saying open up and let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But, oh, while you’re dancing on the ground
Don’t think of when you’re gone
Love, love, love, what more is there?
‘Cause we need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head, and dry your eyes, let the love in there
The bad times, well that’s okay,
Let’s just look for love in here, yeah

Just let the love in there,
Oh love, light up

When the World Ends

Oh when the world ends, collect your things
You’re coming with me
When the world ends, you tuckle up yourself with me
Watch it as the stars disappear to nothing
The day the world is over
We’ll be lying in bed
I’m gonna rock you like a baby when the cities fall
We will rise as the building’s crumble
Midst the burning we’ll be churning
Love will be our wings
Passion rises from the ashes
When the world ends, you’re gonna come with me
We’re gonna be crazy like a river bends
We’re gonna float through the criss cross of the mountains
Watch them fade to nothin
When the world ends
You know that’s what’s happenin now
I’m gonna be there with you somehow
I’m gonna tie you up like a baby in the carriage car
Your legs don’t work cause you want me so
You just lie spread to the wall
Love you got is surely all the love I would ever need
I’m gonna take you by my side and love you tall till the world ends
But don’t you worry about a thing
No cause I got you here with me
Don’t you worry about a
Just you and me, floating through the empty empty
Just you and me
Oh graces
Oh Grace
When the world ends, we’ll be burning one
When the world ends, we’ll be sweet makin’ love
Oh you know when the world ends, I’m gonna take you aside and say
Let’s watch it fade away fade away
The worlds done, ours just begun
We’re gonna dive into the emptiness
We be swimming
I’m gonna walk you through the pathless roads
I’m gonna take you to the top of the mountain that’s no longer there
I’m gonna take you to bed and love you I swear like the end is here
I’m gonna take you up to
I’m gonna take you down on you
I’m gonna hold you like an angel
I’m gonna love you
When the world ends
I’m gonna hold you
When the world is over
We’ll just be begin…

Gravedigger
When you dig my grave
Could you make it shallow
So that I can feel the rain

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Sunday Morning

In the morning light he stands silhouetted against the kitchen window’s gaze. Trees are a near image of black and white the backdrop behind him. They have grown there of dinner’s waste disposed of in pots of soil to late reap trees of plum and lemon, dates, and tomato vines, melons sprouts that will never grow pregnant into their confined space, and a new sprout yet to be determined as orange or lemon, but he knows that it is citrus.

As he pours the water (word for just before boiling) into the pot the gas flame flames licking at the sky stretching great feats of distance, three and four inches high unbridled flame. Tea and toast and little cookies. He watered the plants and there is a slow cascade of water dripping that blends into the choirs music wafting through the kitchen that seems just all to fitting for a Sunday morning. He discusses living in the shadow of the Roman Catholic Church and wonders why the Pope doesn’t save lives instead of souls.

He plays the harmonic on the toes of one foot—no, it’s the pan flute—on all ten toes to Mozart’s K622.

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The Arms of a Lost Lover

White froth
Of water disturbed
Path gouged in depths
Of raging darkest blues
And once serenest greens
A momentary trail
Remembrance
Of where he has gone

A small dark room
Cool stone walls
On tiled floor her feet move
Fluidity of movement
Leg to thigh
Hip to breast
Arm to neck
Viewed only
By the cicada
In the corner
A haunted dance

The fan vacillates
Antiqued metal stirs the air
Strings flutter
Its grace never touching
The sweat upon her face

Lowered arms
Slackened form
The music fading
The melody that was
From within

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Piazza Prati Strozzi 33

Piazza Prati Strozzi 33

Walls of burnt caramel with bookcases holding treasured and worn volumes of poetry, Dorothy Parker, textbooks of youth and scholar, biology and war, movies in black and white, and dust covered CD jewel cases. A desk faces the window—a tall and double width window—out of which a pale sheer flutters through as the wind inhales causing it to move about as a woman’s dress tangled about the knees giving hint to life’s source.

The desk has space for one to sit and spans nearly as wide as the room, much longer than a bed might be. Papers and books, and documentations of authenticity are strewn, but neatly, across. All are centered about the chair which faces the window of flirting blue reminiscent of clouds.

Piazza Prati Strozzi 33

Against the only other wall with space not adorned by books—volumes and volumes of books in mixed language and genre—is a red couch. The couch is of modern style and pulls out into a bed in a way which seems unique, though this is really nothing altogether new.

Old jazz music plays—a pianist who played with Miles Davis.

Piazza Prati Strozzi 33

It smells of rosemary and fennel and of roasting aubergines.

Piazza Prati Strozzi 33

Against the back wall, opposite the window, is one framed photograph. Black and white, matted against creamy white, in a thin wooden frame. A table of elegant men and women are frozen in a moment. The woman in the right corner stares out with clearest eyes of glass, just as la Fornarina. She wears a hat. To the other end sits a mother, though not yet realized. She looks out of the photo from the slight turn of her face. In between, men are locked in various states of unaware being, one looking at the camera, the others simply arranged in a Caravaggio construction of the Last Supper. The photo is placed high on the wall—positioned for the tall, dark and handsome Italian man who lives here. Or is he Spanish?

Sometimes, even he’s not certain.

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Music

Nebraska

Well I had a great time on my trip to the midwest. Forgot how relaxing that lifestyle is, and how up tight we are around here.

I feel a disconnect from the world as I knew it. I don’t know what my direction in life is. It seems that sometimes love just isn’t enough.

Last night I had some pretty serious thoughts. Sobering thoughts. I was thinking of disappearing, in one way or another. Leaving this life behind.

So anyway, here I am, another day of living. And that’s okay.

Song for the day:

Fallen Angels
There’s a candle burning in the world tonight
For another child who vanished out of sight
And a heart is broken, another prayer in vain
There’s a million tears that fill a sea of pain
Sometimes I stare out my window
My thoughts all drift into space
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a better place

Where do fallen angels go
I just don’t know

Where do fallen angels go
They just keep falling

Now the times in frightening
Can’t ignore the facts
There’s so many people
Just slippin’ through the cracks
So many ashes are scattered
So many rivers run dry
Sometimes your Heaven is Hell
and you don’t know why

Can you hear me
Somewhere out there there’s a shining light
And I got to be with you tonight
And with all we’re nowhere
We still pay the price
Yeah the Devil seems to get his way
In downtown paradise

Aerosmith

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Music

Do What I Have To Do

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do …

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don’t know how
to let you go
I don’t know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I’m shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go

Sarah McLachlan

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Angie & Brad Benson

Just thoughts…

It’s eleven o’clock, and I’m just thinking. I just watched a movie which in the end showed what true friendship is about. (Brokedown Palace) I can’t help but think about my friends, or the one’s I had. Life is so different now. So far from what it used to be. According to the rules I grew up by, I don’t deserve my friends, and I’ll never talk to them again, according to the way I live.

My parents don’t believe I’ll ever “make it back”. I guess I’ve just proved them right. The life I used to know is just gone. I don’t remember it. I don’t remember how it feels. I’m crying now. I guess because I know what it feels like to admit to it.

Driving home the other night I thought about how alone in this world I am. I put the one person I feel a connection with on a plane, and realized that was the one person. Funny thing is I can’t say that I’m lonely necessarily. I’m just here. I’m just living. I do what I have to do, day by day. Live how life is there to be lived. I find enough to wake up to the next morning.

It’s weird – Not remembering. Not being able to touch the past. I can’t long for it. I can’t look back and reminisce. It’s just gone. If anyone out there is listening, don’t be hurt. It’s like my dad. I miss him so dearly, although I never knew him.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder what choices I could have made that would have so drastically altered my life. what if my dad had never died? What if I had never made the mistakes I did with my “first love”? What if I had never met or married Brad? What if I had never given up?

Maybe I don’t stop to cry because I refuse to believe the story I have to tell. How could I have ever had this happen, all the things in my life? What did I do to ever deserve this?

I was captured in a moment today when I heard “Still the One” on the radio. That was supposed to be Brad’s and my song, in a silly backwards way. What do I even say to that? What do I say to the past four years of my life? What do I say to sitting around and taking it, until my spirit and heart was crushed? Why did I ever believe I should be so strong? Why didn’t I give up in the right place?

I don’t wish for anything – I don’t have a vision in my head of the way I wish things were. I’m here, and I’m fine. I’m alive and that’s enough. I just have a story to tell that I wouldn’t even believe myself.

So how freely to I vent my soul to the world? To those who don’t know me, or the ones who know the most? Do I tell you all the stories, and hope that no one is listening? Do I find strength in coming to terms with the sadness some turn their eyes from?

So many do not feel it is their place to know what goes on inside a marriage. What went on is my only solace for where I am. With that here’s my words, a story from a night – July 29, 1999. Continue reading

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10/15/2000

We stand so close
You and I.
You hold my hand
and we take off to fly.

The wind catches our wings
and as we start to soar
One of us looks down
and begins to doubt.

Our eyes are masked
our hearts not so far behind.
Such a struggle to let go
with each other…

Too much to lose?

So we enjoy where we stand
so close to each other.
Once again you’ll take my hand
and together we’ll soar.

10.15.2000

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Entirely, Louis Macneice

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
And falling twigs of song,
And when we eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely
If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else’s arms
We should not fear the spears of spring nor the city’s
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of love entirely.
And if the world were black and white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be meremy
Bored but in brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

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Simple thoughts & explainations

Still tumbling through thoughts.

Isn’t it like me,
To want to say,
Things I can’t explain in simple ways?

Why should I be sane?
Why can’t I be crazy?

Sometimes I’m up,
Sometimes I’m down,
I choke on words, and make no sound.
Sometimes.

Why is it so hard,
To know myself?
Underneath this skin you’ll find, someone else.

Don’t be so suprised,
When you look inside me,
(inside me)

Sometimes It’s black,
Sometimes It’s white,
You hide behind electric light,
Sometimes.

Sometimes I swear,
Sometimes I pray,
Suddenly the guilty dissobey,
Sometimes.

Sometimes I’m weak,
Sometimes I’m strong,
Living with the fear I don’t belong,
Sometimes.

Sometimes I stand,
Sometimes I fall,
I throw myself against the wall,
Sometimes.

Sometimes I sink,
Sometimes I swim,
Tell me why my world is caving in,
Sometimes.

Sometimes it’s sweet,
Sometimes it’s raw,
Trying to get so high, like I did before,
Sometimes.

Sometimes in love,
Sometimes in hate,
Sometimes it’s all a big mistake,
Sometimes.

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Music

Irreconcilable differences.

ir·rec·on·cil·a·ble – adj.

Impossible to reconcile: irreconcilable differences.

n.
1. A person, especially a member of a group, who will not compromise, adjust, or submit.
2. One of two or more conflicting ideas or beliefs that cannot be brought into harmony.

I am torn.

I thought I saw a man brought to life,
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified,
He showed me what it was to cry,
Well, you couldn’t be that man I adored.
You don’t seem to know, seem to care, what your heart is for,
But I don’t know him anymore,
There’s nothing where he used to lie,
My conversation has run dry,
That’s what’s goin’ on. Nothing’s fine I’m torn…

Continue reading

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