21

P.S. My birthday is today. I’m 21. Looking back there’s not much of anything I’d change.

Each experience in my life has given me wisdom and made me stronger. I have character that runs deep, and empathy for so many in the challenges they face.

So here’s the my future. One that I hope is even better than the days I’ve left behind.

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Walk away…

Well I just don’t know what to do. Choices are easy. Making them, and sticking to them are harder. I walk this world alone. I don’t think I have even been truly alone before.

People talk about inner strength, and finding “it” within yourself. Well I doubt those people have really been there. Having no one to turn to for support or strength, or encouragement. Not knowing where to find the motivation. Looking for just one person who can understand.
I have one who’ll listen, but can never be one with who I am. And I can’t find my way back to those who can.

I knew from the begining that there were differences to great to overcome. That old saying “sometimes love just isn’t enough”. I don’t think it’s a defect with love, I just think that we don’t allow ourselves to love where we are limited. We resist any limitations at all.

Funny thing about you and me- Where I find freedom, you see confinement.

So, here I am again. Back to the same place I’ve found myself so many times before… wondering how do I walk away?

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Music

Nebraska

Well I had a great time on my trip to the midwest. Forgot how relaxing that lifestyle is, and how up tight we are around here.

I feel a disconnect from the world as I knew it. I don’t know what my direction in life is. It seems that sometimes love just isn’t enough.

Last night I had some pretty serious thoughts. Sobering thoughts. I was thinking of disappearing, in one way or another. Leaving this life behind.

So anyway, here I am, another day of living. And that’s okay.

Song for the day:

Fallen Angels
There’s a candle burning in the world tonight
For another child who vanished out of sight
And a heart is broken, another prayer in vain
There’s a million tears that fill a sea of pain
Sometimes I stare out my window
My thoughts all drift into space
Sometimes I wonder if there’s a better place

Where do fallen angels go
I just don’t know

Where do fallen angels go
They just keep falling

Now the times in frightening
Can’t ignore the facts
There’s so many people
Just slippin’ through the cracks
So many ashes are scattered
So many rivers run dry
Sometimes your Heaven is Hell
and you don’t know why

Can you hear me
Somewhere out there there’s a shining light
And I got to be with you tonight
And with all we’re nowhere
We still pay the price
Yeah the Devil seems to get his way
In downtown paradise

Aerosmith

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Reminder

“At times we aren’t volatile. I feel we couldn’t be more one. At other times I feel we are so volatile and there’s nothing I can do. I’m not asking for you to have the energy to fight for us. I’m not fighting against us. I’m not walking away quickly when I say time. I’m hoping that things work out for the best while we take a breather and hopefully we becomes closer. You have a strong loving conviction and it adds to my love for you. There’s a strength that one reaches though where I need you to be and it hurts me when I hurt you because you aren’t. We’ve had this happen several times including this morning.

That’s just something though. Thats not close to enough to make me stop loving you. What scares me deeply? That’s a good question and I don’t really know the answer. Everything I’d probably list here you’d tell me that I don’t know you so I won’t go into it to the fullest extent. Whether we are compatible types scares me. You have a lot of answers to the world and have been a lot of places and know a lot of people and that’s not what I want for my other half. I’m not really looking for someone to show the world to me. I’m afraid you aren’t soft-spoken enough for me and know the enjoyment that comes from silence even at the busiest times. I’m afraid I’m not going to entertain you enough because at this point in time I’m enjoying the lathargic life style of relaxing at home, playing some games perhaps, getting some work done, or just watching TV. These are just two or three of my thoughts that go on that point of whether we’re the right type for one another. On the counter we have many things we share and have in common so do not think I think of the glass as being half empty. What scares me…well I’m scared we aren’t right for one another and that our love will grow stronger and when more things go wrong it will rip me in half.”

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10/15/2000

We stand so close
You and I.
You hold my hand
and we take off to fly.

The wind catches our wings
and as we start to soar
One of us looks down
and begins to doubt.

Our eyes are masked
our hearts not so far behind.
Such a struggle to let go
with each other…

Too much to lose?

So we enjoy where we stand
so close to each other.
Once again you’ll take my hand
and together we’ll soar.

10.15.2000

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Humility

This morning I learned a lesson. I’d rather not be right.

My race to dictionary.com wasn’t motivated by my need to prove that I was right, but my offense. I’m glad that I won’t long remember all the statements made.

“You’re so wrong.”

Funny thing is, if we were really grounded in our conversation and practicing the quality we were discussing – it wouldn’t even be a problem. But neither of us were.

So I hang my head, I wish I could go back, and be wrong. Not shut up. I’ll always fight for what I believe in – but I wish I could have lost this one. Maybe it’d be a better day for the way I would react. Instead…

In the end, yes, I’m still happy to have someone to challenge my mind so early in the morning. I just wish it had nothing to do with my heart.

hu·mil·i·ty

n.
The quality or condition of being humble.

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Entirely, Louis Macneice

Entirely

If we could get the hang of it entirely
It would take too long;
All we know is the splash of words in passing
And falling twigs of song,
And when we eavesdrop on the great
Presences it is rarely
That by a stroke of luck we can appropriate
Even a phrase entirely
If we could find our happiness entirely
In somebody else’s arms
We should not fear the spears of spring nor the city’s
Yammering fire alarms
But, as it is, the spears each year go through
Our flesh and almost hourly
Bell or siren banishes the blue
Eyes of love entirely.
And if the world were black and white entirely
And all the charts were plain
Instead of a mad weir of tigerish waters,
A prism of delight and pain,
We might be surer where we wished to go
Or again we might be meremy
Bored but in brute reality there is no
Road that is right entirely.

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Flames and more.

I’ve have some interesting experiences lately. I’ve cleared my head (literally) with a beeswax cone. You take the cone and place it in your ear allowing it to burn slowly. The funnel of air it creates sucks out junk from your head. When you clean the cone out all this powder comes out. That’s what’s from your ear. YUCK!

I’m for the moment a blonde. Gentlemen prefer blonde. Blondes have more fun. Actually it’s kind of yellow.

On the way to the hall this morning I passed a yard where several guys were playing football. It was such a classic scene – I wanted to stop and watch. Reminded me of Thanksgiving around here, and football game in the front yard. I guess I won’t be seeing that this year.
I got to the hall and was a little late. It was a quarter after ten. No one was there. I look at my calender… maybe it was a Special Assembly Day? Nope. Mentally confirmed with myself that it was indeed Sunday and 10 AM. Check. Well, don’t know what’s going on. Drove back home. Sit down at my computer – and it asks me if I’ll check to see that it’s auto change for Daylight Savings Time is correct. Huh? It’s not daylight savings time… Oooooh. Why do I question the one thing that really knows what time it is! I guess I should change the rest of my clocks then now, huh?

Well I as usual come across some slightly profound thought which increases my understanding of myself. This week it’s that I need someone to share my space, my life with me. You can share with someone else. Their space, their life, and end up completely abandoning your own. That’s fine if you can handle it. But I need my life. I like it, I built it and it has definate good points. My house is comfy. A place to come home to. You step out of the shower and your feet hit a cushy bathmat which soaks up the excess water. I can run around naked until I dry off and just feel slightly silly. I can make a mess in the kitchen as I’m cooking. And then clean it up. (I always try not to make a mess anyways.) If I want clean underwear or jeans, I pick them out of the drawer, or wash them. I know how to operate the TV, VCR and Stereo, and can plop on the couch to do so at anytime. All my stuff is in my bathroom, readily accessible – Hence, taking a shower or bath isn’t a production. My bed is nice and large. My pillow devine. My teddy bears close by to keep an eye on me. A TV to fall alseep to. The ability to watch a movie in bed. Sleeping in. A lazy Sunday. EVERY Sunday. No emails to be read, no message boards to scan, no lists of things to be done. Just good books, movies, walks, rollerblading, or even doing the laundry. Nothing much to accomplish, except feeling good, and then you’re somehow ready to face the next week.
So is it so bad, my life? No, I don’t think so. I’m just wishing for someone who can share my life with me just as much as I share theirs.

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Music

STP

Last night I saw Stone Temple Pilots, with Disturbed and Godsmack.

STP rocked. Scott was a little out there… not any where near grunge, a new developed look and persona. They played Interstate Love Song, and Plush (my two favorite songs). But neither acoustic. : ( It’s amazing how easy it is to forget just how many songs we know by them. Every song I knew.

It was great seeing them at this point in my life – knowing how far I’ve come as a person since I first liked them. A coming full circle kind of feeling.

Time to take her home – her dizzy head is conscience laden
Time to take a ride – it leaves today – no conversation
Take to take her home – her dizzy is conscience laden
Take to wait too long, to wait too long
These conversations kill

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Music

Soul mates.

I feel partly settled. Like I finally know what I want, and have the strength and courage to achieve it. It’s funny. I thought today I would lose. I didn’t.

Soul mates. n.
1. One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.
2. Someone for whom you have a deep affinity (a natural attraction or feeling of kinship)

I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know how to feel about it. There so much I used to question. To examine, and analyze. Now I don’t. I just accept. I am guided by heart, rather than mind. It’s a much more peaceful way of being.

This is so new for me. Being content, I think. Being okay. What more can I say?
So maybe I won’t.

I have my path, I know what I need to do, and how to do it, and the way to get to where I’m going.
I used to think that going my way meant that I was walking away from something else. I guess I don’t see that anymore. Even if the natural inclination is to believe that we are losing. It’s not possible. Somehow. someway there is a connection. Something deeper than our comprehension. Farther than our definitions define. And that’s what hold us together.

It’s also amazing that I’m so content in the moment. So much of life is lived looking to the future or wistfully into the past.“The future is no place, to place your better days”. And so with that in mind, I live. Today.


There’s a moment lost in time
When she says hush
I’m on your side
It’s just the two of us
You know that I
You know I’ll never say goodbye

How many days can you waste it boy
It’s a shame they say
There’s so much you know he’ll never enjoy
All the love we come to destroy

There’s a moment lost in time
When she says hush
I’m on your side
It’s just the two of us
Though they might try


angela

someone’s always coming around here trailing some new kill
says I seen your picture on a hundred dollar bill
and what’s a game of chance to you, to him is one of real skill
so glad to meet you
angela
picking up the ticket shows there’s money to be made
go on and lose the gamble that’s the history of the trade
you add up all the cards left to play to zero
and sign up with evil
angela
don’t start me trying now
‘cos I’m all over it
angela
I could make you satisfied in everything you do
all your ‘secret wishes’ could right now be coming true
and be forever with my poison arms around you
no-one’s gonna fool around with us
no-one’s gonna fool around with us
so glad to meet you
angela

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Music

Irreconcilable differences.

ir·rec·on·cil·a·ble – adj.

Impossible to reconcile: irreconcilable differences.

n.
1. A person, especially a member of a group, who will not compromise, adjust, or submit.
2. One of two or more conflicting ideas or beliefs that cannot be brought into harmony.

I am torn.

I thought I saw a man brought to life,
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified,
He showed me what it was to cry,
Well, you couldn’t be that man I adored.
You don’t seem to know, seem to care, what your heart is for,
But I don’t know him anymore,
There’s nothing where he used to lie,
My conversation has run dry,
That’s what’s goin’ on. Nothing’s fine I’m torn…

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